Understand your emotions

UNDERSTAND YOUR EMOTIONS

An emotion is a strong feeling often accompanied by physical and psychological response. Some people blush and feel ashamed when they are caught in an embarrassing situation, others do not. It is important to understand your emotions and to be aware that they can be different from others. Do not make the assumptions that everybody has the same emotions and desires. Your emotions are reflections of your mental attitude. Some of our primary emotional needs are caring, acceptance, trust, respect, self-esteem, appreciation and reassurance which are essentially the need for love. Other positive emotions are hope, faith, sympathy, optimism, and loyalty. We also have negative emotions, like anger, fear, anxiety, hatred, greed, jealousy, revenge, frustration, sadness and depression. Some of the so-called negative emotions are sometimes necessary for our survival. In an extreme situation that someone is threatening to harm you or your family, emotions like anger and fear can help you get out of your predicament. Common sense tells us that if someone has never experienced these types of emotions, he or she will be ill-equipped to understand or predict the kind of situation or behaviour likely to cause these emotional states. Fortunately most of us have experienced these emotions and have a fairly good appreciation of their effects.
Understanding the needs, behaviours and emotions of people is a powerful and practical tool for improving our relationships and deepening our capacity to experience life to its fullest. To fulfill others, you need to learn to satisfy their emotional needs. Likewise by discovering your needs, you can seek and satisfy them through your communication and behaviour. Your emotional needs have to be met in order that you can feel fulfilled. You have to be in tune with how you feel at all times by being honest with yourself about your emotions. Your feelings are an important source of knowledge and wisdom about yourself that is readily accessible to you and nobody else. By tuning in to them, you can access valuable information that cannot be found anywhere else that can be useful in the pursuit of your goal. Understanding your feelings is invaluable in the process of making successful personal change that will enhance your life.
Serious emotional difficulties occur when you cannot adjust to your surroundings and when you have the wrong attitude, poor training or social pressures. Past experiences and habits in the handling of your emotions often determine whether or not you will be able to weather a serious failure, a great disappointment or any emergency crisis. Any personal change can trigger strong feelings which should be acknowledged and understood. How would you handle a major setback in your health, family life, personal finance or employment? It is normal to experience some degree of sadness, anger, depression, fear and even grief in the change process. Accept the facts as they are and do not exaggerate them. Seek professional advice if necessary and develop a strategy to face the situation. A positive mental attitude to life always helps and is even more essential in these crisis situations.
Anger is an emotion we have all experienced at one time or another. It is a feeling of rage and of passionate displeasure caused by acute differences of opinions and major misunderstandings. Anger alerts us to things that are offensive to our values and beliefs. We can avoid anger by keeping our emotional reactions within reasonable bounds, by detecting the many potential trigger signals. Choose not to respond to them with anger. Try not to snap-react to insensitive words, specific actions or irritations. Learn to detect them and deal with them for what they are. Despite our effort, we sometimes get frustrated and angry with ourselves or with other people. For many of us, anger is an emotion which reveals the ugly side of us. We tend to repress the feeling hoping it will dissipate and we can get on with our lives. Repressing anger unfortunately results in blocking other emotions such as caring, empathy, and warmth; and can destroy relationships. Anger does not simply dissolve, it remains and accumulates, creating anxiety, confusion and feelings of rage. If repressed and unexpressed, explosive anger may erupt in the form of acute anxiety, temper tantrums, physical and verbal abuse, depression and self-hate. Before the misunderstandings, problems, and irritations that triggered your anger in the first place can be resolved, it must be expressed directly as anger, preferably at the time of its inception. A lot of times, anger is directed at people we care about the most, like our children, spouses and friends. Let them know how you feel and why. Try to express your anger as warmly, directly and appropriately as possible. You can almost feel the intensity of the anger dissipating once you have expressed it. As the emotion subsides, ask for clarification and give an explanation for your anger. Usually, confusion, turmoil and complication disappear, and good feelings emerge. Do not hesitate to apologize if your anger was inappropriate for the occasion.
Guilt and worry are perhaps the most futile emotions that we waste lots of time and energy on, thereby preventing us from concentrating on what is really important in our lives. Ask yourself why you carry around such a heavy load of guilt and worry. Feeling guilty may mean that you feel upset, dejected or depressed about something you did or said, focusing on past behaviour and happenings. Guilt also tells you that you have violated one of your core values, beliefs and principles. You can certainly learn from your past mistakes to ensure that you are not going to violate that particular standard in the future. Use your mistakes as a self-correcting kind of mechanism but realize that no amount of guilt can ever undo a historical event. Almost everybody spends a lot of time and energy worrying these days. It seems to be a human tendency to have the feeling that, no matter how well things may be going, everything could change for the worse. If you let negative thoughts occupy your mind without questioning them, they tend to leave behind a trail of worry and anxiety.
Worrying is a non-productive activity that steals our precious time. By worrying about a possible future event or about the consequences of something that happened, you are neglecting the present moment and concentrating your attention on the future or the past. Why worry about something that might or might not happen in the future? A high percentage of what we worry about never happens anyway. In any case, not a moment of worry will improve the situation, rather it may lead to fear, confusion and exhaustion. You may feel that your worrying thoughts creep up from nowhere and defy your best efforts to eradicate them. In fact, you create your own worries and determine what you want to worry about. Do not victimize yourself by listening to messages that generate worries and anxieties. Instead focus on a pleasant substitute mental activity whenever you want to banish your worry from your mind. Think of some of your worries that did not come true. Ask yourself whether they were worth the stressful emotions. Give up worrying about things that are beyond your control.
It is much more useful to take some action that can relieve you from worrying. Each time you take action and stop worrying, you can begin to appreciate your own problem-solving abilities. Instead of worrying, switch into constructive planning to resolve the problem. Sit down quietly and write out what is worrying you. Write out the worst case scenario. Ask yourself, if that happened what would you do? When you figure out what you could do if the worst did happen, the intensity of the worry will diminish. You can then take some appropriate actions to ensure that you would survive it or even reduce its impact.
A lot of people worry about losing their jobs. If you can sense that the writing is on the wall, rather than just worry about losing your job, you can spend your time and energy looking at the different options. You can start searching for another job right away. You can plan to start your own business or take some time off to reevaluate your situation. Take some action and begin addressing what you are worried about. By working on self-enhancing thoughts and ideas, you can avoid or eliminate the need for guilt and worry. Everybody worries sometimes and has experienced some form of guilt. You can begin to change your attitude about the things you worry or feel guilty about. Realize that the guilt and worry do not help solve anything. It takes practice to give up worrying and feeling guilty; you need to be determined to eliminate or at least minimize these stressful and futile emotions from your life.
Suitable emotions are facilitated by knowing that every act produces definite consequences. Cause and effect operate in one's emotional life just as they do in the physical world. You should understand your conduct and your emotional reaction as well as those of others. Most people have experienced situations where they are so tensed up that it is difficult to function and perform effectively. These situations usually happen at times when they really want to do well or when they are anxious about lacking some skills. For instance, a common source of anxiety for millions of people is having to make a public speech. Anxiety is present because they believe they lack the necessary skill, and this in turn undermines their confidence and inevitably leads to a poor speech.
As human beings, we sometimes have feelings of ambivalence. We have conflicting feelings about something. All of us have mixed and often diametrically opposed feelings, opinions, thoughts and ideas about ourselves, other people, issues and the decisions that we make in our lives. We must expect a normal amount of ambivalence. We want to be free and independent, and we also rely on our loving family for many things. Some mothers love their careers, while they also want to be home with their children. We want to take risks and at the same time we hold feelings of prudence and security. Some of us are ambivalent about whether God exists. These ambivalent feelings can coexist. This human capacity to feel conflicting feelings simultaneously may be a source of confusion and discomfort. They can prevent us from taking action, asserting an opinion and making decisions. On the positive side, it forces us to make difficult choices, to explore our inner self, to consult our hierarchy of priorities and to trust our values and beliefs. It is a valuable human attribute which makes us more sensitive to our feelings and helps us understand ourselves and others.
The process of growing up emotionally at any age is not easy. Emotional maturity requires considerable effort and endeavour. To achieve it, you should understand what motivates your behaviour and needs. Self-understanding is the ability to analyze your emotions by knowing what sort of person you really are. The best time to handle an emotion is when you first begin to feel it. It's much more difficult to interrupt it once it is out of control. Acknowledge your emotion. Identify what you are really feeling and why. Careful reflection and introspection are needed about the way you talk to yourself and the resulting emotions that you attach to this self-talk. This evaluation enables you to monitor what progress you are making towards your goals and can lead to a better sense of self-worth. The capacity to be patient, to refrain from judgment and to be able to control your emergent feelings are signs of emotional maturity. An emotionally mature person will have some or all of the following characteristics:

1. Healthy self-esteem
2. Ability to face reality
3. Independence and self-reliance
4. Happy social relationships
5. Good values and beliefs
6. Positive mental attitude
7. Harmony and peace of mind
8. Balanced life

From the point of view of emotional stability, it is vital that you think well of yourself. Your self-talk should reflect that. You can make profound changes in your well-being by changing the nature of your self-talk. The ability to face reality demands a courageous confrontation with the facts of life. This self-reliance is based on your independence and inner strength. If you are living according to your values, beliefs and interests, you will have a feeling of self-worth, a sense of fulfillment and a balanced way of life.

Extract from my book: Become your best.
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