The illusion of control in relationships

The desire to control our relationships occurs in everyone’s life with varying degree and intensity. Not only do we want to control our life, sometimes we also want to control the behaviours of others. So often when we choose relationships, we try to fit another person into our predetermined ideal. We think we can change or “fix” others. Well, we really can’t. At best we can only change ourselves.




Some people mistake the control over one’s own destiny and the destiny of others as being a necessary condition for ensuring their happiness and contentment. These people tend to be control freaks. They want to control everything, and in so doing they drive you crazy. They can be an overbearing father, an overprotective mother, an autocratic boss, a manipulative friend, or a jealous spouse. These are people who want to change you and your behaviours. They want to tell you what to do, and if they could they would run your life.




We all have some tendency to influence others so that they will see things from our point of view. Everything is fine when people agree with us, and when our values and beliefs systems coincide. Once there is difference of opinions and conflicts, the relationship is in distress. It’s much more difficult to have the habit of putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes. To have healthy interactions, we need to develop relationships based on mutual love and trust. When there is disagreement, try to find a win-win solution.




Learn when to combat the control that others want to impose on you, and when to accommodate them to create respectful and trustful relationships. Be assertive and don’t let control freaks dominate or victimize you. At the same time, be flexible, think in terms of preference rather than in terms of must have or must be like that. Accept and embrace your healthy relationships without preconceived ideas and conditions.



How are you doing in your relationships? Do you think you are in control of your relationships?


http://www.kintue-fee.com/

BECOME WHO YOU WANT TO BE

Even though life can be difficult and complex, effective people strive to be their best selves most of the time each day. There are no formulas and no easy answers for everything in life. You simply can’t go through life without failures and disappointments. You can’t invest in relationships and think that you will never get hurt, have misgivings, or make mistakes. This is part of the process of growing, learning, caring, letting people be and leading a steady and purposeful life. You are the sum total of your experiences up to now. As your experiences multiply with time, you grow and become a different and, hopefully, wiser person. Your perspective will change over the years.

Are you ready to live the life you’ve always dreamed of? If your answer is yes, read my book, BECOME YOUR BEST. Take responsibility for your life and apply the principles and techniques outlined in this book. BECOME YOUR BEST draws from my experience and those of other experts, providing a practical and effective approach to living a more meaningful and fulfilling life. No matter where you’re starting from, you can work at creating a life that you truly love. Consider the possibility of living a fully integrated life – physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, financially and spiritually.

If you want to lead a meaningful, purposeful and fulfilled life, you need to make wise choices. Your choices cause results. You reap what you sow; you can make better choices and have better results. For example, if you want to become a better public speaker, then you could choose to join a Toastmaster club near your city. All these choices need you to take decisive actions. They take efforts and commitment on your part. I know that only about 5% to 10% of the readers of this book will actually check out Toastmasters International. The other 90% to 95% people will find some excuses for not being able to do so. Instead of giving up, you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, and something to inspire you. It is only through perseverance and some sacrifice that effective people succeed in life. Be one of them, and become who you want to be.

            On your way to becoming who you want to be, ensure that you are in alignment with your core beliefs and values. Do your best to live with integrity, and to live an authentic and purposeful life.

Excerpt from my book, BECOME YOUR BEST.

www.kintue-fee.com

Why I published two books in 2014

I published two of my books in 2014. Notice that I did not say I wrote two books in 2014. Recently I completely updated my bestseller: Become your Best. In addition, I also got it translated into French: Realisez votre plein potentiel.

In March 2014, I self-published them in Mauritius. Why were they printed and published in Mauritius. Well, because I have a very good friend who has a good printing business in Mauritrius. Through my contacts, I had a lot of publicity in the newspapers and on radio in Mauritius. Become your Best was already a bestseller in Mauritius after it was first published in 1997. As most people in Mauritius speak French, I was advised to translate my book. It took me over sixteen years until my recent retirement to finally embark on my book translation project. Realisez votre plein potentiel is selling very well and is also projected to become a bestseller in Mauritius too.

Why did I write and translate my book? For the simple reason that I needed to learn and research the principles of personal management and development for myself all these years ago. It took me eight years from my first writing to publishing it in 1997. To date, I have not seen a book which has as much practical and useful advice, techniques and strategies on how to make the most of your life as my book: Become your Best. That's why I updated it and published it again in March 2014.

These two books and my third book, Putting People First, are available in Mauritius at BookCourt and Le Cygne. You can also purchase them from me directly:  http://www.kintue-fee.com

Seek and find your purpose in life

Most people have not spend enough time to seek and find their purpose in life. The majority of people in the world are still surviving and struggling to make a living. Most of them don’t have the luxury of thinking about their purpose in life. It seems to them that their purpose in life is simply to put food on the table and make sure there is a shelter above their heads.

For those of you who have fulfilled all your survival needs, you are most probably seeking to lead a meaningful, purposeful and fulfilling life. Have you find your purpose in life?

First of all, what do we mean when we talk about our purpose in life? Purpose in life is basically the intrinsic desire in people to have a positive impact on themselves and circle of influence, and to share their values and passion with others. Everybody has a universal need for purpose, a sense of accomplishment and happiness in their  relationships, workplaces and life. 

So how can you seek and find your purpose in life? Firstly, start by making a full inventory of all the assets you possess, not just financial assets. Determine what are your strengths, skills and talents. Know who your loved ones, friends and network of contacts are, and who you can count on. Determine what really matters for you i.e. your top priorities and passion.

Secondly, know what a meaning, purposeful and fulfilled life would look and feel like at the end of your life. You can visualize yourself at your eightieth birthday. All your loved ones and friends have gathered together to celebrate your birthday. Imagine your partner in life speaking to the gathering and telling everybody how you are as a partner. Similarly imagine what your son or daughter, best friend, ex-boss, neighbour, and someone your have helped would say about you at that occasion. Of course, you have to feel tears of joy in your eyes and happiness in your heart from what you imagine hearing from all these people. If you write it all down, you would certainly know what your core values are.

By knowing all your assets, priorities, passion, and core beliefs and values, you can then formulate your mission statement and purpose in life.

My purpose in life is to become my best in all aspects of my life in order to help out my loved ones and circle of influence with love and gratitude, without imposing my views and beliefs on them.

Have you determine your purpose in life? How did you seek and find it? Would you like to share your purpose in life with us?

www.kintue-fee.com

Develop your self-confidence

            We all have confidence. It is just a question of cultivating it and nurturing it. If you grow up in a home where praise, encouragement and caring are the rule, then you are more likely to have confidence in yourself. Confidence is a measure of a person's self-assuredness. It springs from self-esteem, knowledge, ability, skills, discipline, tenacity and perseverance. It does not mean boosting or bragging or being arrogant. Self-confidence is the calm conviction that you can achieve whatever you set out to do. It does not mean that you need to know everything and be capable of doing it all by yourself. Developing self-confidence means adopting good practices in thinking, speaking and behaving. It is strongly reinforced by a sense of achievement and by positive feedback from others. You develop confidence by setting a goal and achieving it, and by making a promise and keeping it, one at a time. You build self-confidence by having the ability to set and achieve meaningful goals, by fulfilling your needs, by keeping your promises, by acting with integrity and courage.

            Like most people, you have some self-doubts about your capabilities and potential. In the past, you made mistakes, had failure and rejection, and did not live up to your expectations. Don't let these shortcomings erode your confidence. You can rebuild your self-confidence by putting power in your commitment and focusing your mental energy on your immediate goal. If you don't have confidence in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to have confidence in you. If you lose confidence in yourself eventually others lose their confidence in you too. You hold certain values, beliefs and principles to which you are committed. As a result, you have an inner purpose around which you make your decisions. You need to become a person with integrity and conviction who can make courageous decisions to change your life for the better. Confidence in yourself gives you the strength to make good ethical decisions despite pressure to act otherwise. It is very easy to give up but it takes courage and strength to be caring and yet firm, and to do what you know you ought to do. As you look toward the decisions you would like to make to change your life, have the confidence and the courage to act on them.

            There are two powerful concepts: Faith and Fear. If you have faith in yourself, in your abilities and in your future then you also have self-confidence and courage. It is essential that you have faith in your resourcefulness to do whatever you need to do. You may not know how to replace your car brakes, but you know a good mechanic or garage service. You may not know how to resolve an issue at work, but you are confident that you can get some smart assistance from your mentor or members of your network. You may not know how you are going to cope with the recent news of your cancer, but you have faith that you will survive it with God’s grace and positive mental attitude.

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase”.

-          Martin Luther King

            If you allow fear to creep in your life, the fear you can’t do something can wipe out your faith and self-confidence. The reason so many people are not confident in themselves is that it hurts to keep on trying when their efforts always seem to fail. The fear of failure sets in. Acknowledge and accept your fears rather than ignore or deny them. To build self-confidence, you need to be willing to push through the discomforting barriers and to act despite your feelings. It is through the experience of overcoming your fears that you will make the most strides in enhancing your self-confidence.

            The act of striving and persevering in face of obstacles provides a sense of satisfaction and pride that promotes confidence. It takes strength and endurance to keep on trying and doing what you know you ought to do when the going is rough. It's much easier to give up and quit. During your period of weakness, self-defeating behaviors and negative self-talk can come back to haunt you. Don't replay the memories of past failures, disappointments and mistakes. It robs you of your self-confidence. Recognize that we all experienced failures at one time or another, even the most successful people. You can expect problems, setbacks and changes in circumstances, but you don't have to agonize over them and live in fear of them. When changes happen, look for what else is possible and choose the most viable alternatives. View the obstacles as opportunities from which to learn and grow rather than events to be feared. Have faith in yourself. It frees your mind from the self imposed limitations of doubt, fear and discouragement. Faith provides you with the courage, inspiration and self-reliance you need to live life purposefully. Give yourself permission to take reasonable risks and accept responsibility for mistakes. Start taking small calculated risks and venturing occasionally into the unknown. Be alert and prepared for head-on encounters. It's by striving to overcome obstacles as they arise that you build your self-confidence. Fear or faith, failure or success, you have to choose which path you want to follow. Never allow fear to rule your life, always have faith in yourself. Acting with confidence can break vicious cycles of fear. This can be a hard inner struggle but if you follow the principles outlined in this book, you will come out a winner.

            Be humble in the presence of superior knowledge and intellect, be willing to learn by asking questions. Look for and associate with positive and confident people. It is very empowering to have the support and energy of understanding and motivated friends. You can have a positive influence in each others' process of growing and confidence building. Keep visualizing your best moments, the times when you conquered fear, were totally confident, and felt successful. No matter how few these good moments were, don't let them die. By remembering these moments of triumphs you slowly build your own self-confidence. Trust the worth you have placed upon yourself. The confidence other people have in you reinforces your confidence in yourself. Confidence breeds more confidence. You then have the courage to take more challenges and make major decisions in your life. You can start to stretch your capabilities and your comfort zone. When you take charge of your life through choices and decisions, you receive powerful boosts to your self-esteem and self-confidence. Making a decision and implementing it builds confidence.

            Try to express your courage and confidence not because you have no fear, but in spite of your fear. Even when you don't really feel confident, act as if you have confidence. When you act despite uncertainty and lack of confidence, you reinforce risk-taking and perseverance. Have the courage to decide what you want to do about your life. Have the ability to overcome the obstacles facing you and move ahead to something better. Be assertive when interacting with other people. Don't say anything that would be contrary to your true intentions. You do not need to be aggressive to assert yourself. It has been shown that assertive behavior is very effective when accompanied by a smile.

             A lively and positive faith is extremely important for a happy and serene existence. Faith is belief that help is forthcoming when it is needed. It is belief in guidance in time of perplexity and in courage when pain and suffering strike. Have the attitude and conviction that for everything lost there is something to be gained. Confident people are strong enough to admit their mistakes and to be honest. By your courage, openness and honesty, you will experience rewarding relationships, personal growth and happiness as well as some pains. By building your confidence you become less afraid of fear, of emotional pain, of taking risks and of making mistakes. As you find the courage to be honest and to open yourself to others you start to respect yourself and others as fellow human beings. Your life unfolds and develops based on the confidence you place in yourself and in all that you do. Become aware that you are able to develop your self-confidence.

Now it's your turn to share how you develop your confidence.

Excerpt from my book: BECOME YOUR BEST

http://kintue-fee.com

            

Make your money work for you.

Yes, we may need to work sometimes 40 to 60 hours a week for our own and family needs. However, you will rarely become financially independent or wealthy by exchanging your time for money. You need to live within your means, and save and invest some of your money. This is how you are going to get ahead financially.

Once you have paid your debts and have some money in the bank for emergencies, you invest the rest of your money. You need to educate yourself on the best investments available for you. Or you may ask advice from a good financial advisor. There are bank savings, GICs, bonds, mutual funds, stocks, precious metals, real estates and others. Depending on your situation and risk tolerance, you can choose what types of savings and investments that are more appropriate for you. Then watch you money works for you and your financial assets grow.

Please share what investments have worked best for you.

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GET HIRED IN THE COMPETITIVE JOB MARKET

            One of the most important decision you will make in your adult life is choosing a job that meet your interests and expectations. You need to know what you like to do, what your interests are and what skills and knowledge you have. The art of finding a job is knowing how to sell yourself by using what you have to your best advantage.

            During the last decade, the job market has changed radically. On one hand, people are not content to stick to a job for a long time and are moving around from job to job. On the other hand, organizations are always reengineering and as a consequence there are more people being laid off. By now, most of us realize that a cradle-to-grave job is out the window along with regular raises. Approximately one quarter to one third of all jobs are in transition. The average worker can expect to change jobs six to ten times and careers two to four times. It seems that jobs are disappearing faster than new jobs are being created. There may be a shortage of jobs, but there is always an abundance of work to be done and therefore lots of opportunities. Although the unemployment rate is relatively high, there is still plenty of opportunities for people with the right attitude, entrepreneurial spirit and the willingness to contribute to get hired. If your job isn’t giving you the satisfaction you are looking for, it’s time to invest a few hours reflecting on what would bring you more fulfillment. Even if you are comfortable with your work, when an opportunity presents itself you could still move on to do something even more interesting and challenging. Look for opportunities and take them as they arise.

            In planning your career, you need to have a clear idea of the sort of job you would like to do. Do you like to use your hands to make things? Are you a self-starter with lots of initiatives and enterpreneurial spirit? Do you like to work with people? Do you like investigative work and to deliver high quality products? Whatever your preference, you need to know it. If you have difficulty in making decisions about your career choice, talk to a friend, spouse, mentor or career counselor. Find out what the growth industries are out there. Presently, there is a great demand for nurses and post traumatic stress counselors in North America. Technology and computer companies are still growing and hiring. If you are interested in a career in technology for example, use every opportunity to build a foundation to make your way in the technology-infused world.

            Set realistic targets and work toward them with a positive attitude, discipline and enthusiasm. As you get to know more about your job and gain experience, you can begin to plan further ahead. In your early years, you must be prepared to move around to learn and gain experience, as well as to take more than you think you can handle. Be prepared to change your plans if necessary and be flexible in your attitude. Gain confidence by doing your work, whatever it is, to the best of your ability and believe in yourself. Your perseverance in looking for the right job and determination to keep going until you achieve your goal will make the difference between finding a job or not.

            More and more organizations are looking for the right people at the right time with the right skills and right culture fit. Nowadays, organizations are likely to base hiring decisions more on skills than on past job titles. Many technical skills become obsolete with progress in technology. Organizations of the future will need people with generalist skills. Employers are seeking people with the following generic skills:

• the ability to take responsibility;
• the ability to communicate and to manage information;
• the ability to learn continuously and think critically;
• the ability to solve problems analytically and make decisions;
• the ability to direct teams, motivate others and meet objectives;
• the ability to work on a team to plan and accomplish goals;
• the ability to design, plan, research and investigate;
• the ability to set priorities and meet deadlines;

            Employers are seeking people with the following qualities:

• positive attitude;
• self-confidence;
• willingness to accept challenges;
• adaptability and flexibility;

            In short it is very competitive out there and you need to sharpen your skills, competencies and qualities to market yourself and get hired. It is important that you ask yourself if you are achieving the goals you really want and if you are doing the things necessary to become your best in your chosen profession. Self-analysis is needed on a regular basis to evaluate whether your performance and skills measure up to your own standard and the organization’s needs. The core competencies that are always in demand include such skills as leadership, communication, problem-solving, analytical and strategic thinking, negotiating, planning and organizing. Being competent is more than simply acquiring a skill, knowledge or experience, it is using and applying them in your workplace to your advantage in order to meet your business needs. You have to develop the creative thinking ability to see the desired goal and plot a course to get from here to there. Strength in these core competencies gives you an edge over competitors and makes you a desirable asset for any organization.

            Before you can gain experience and have a chance to contribute in a job, you have to get one first. This takes time, energy and perseverance, but there are techniques and strategies that can give you a head start. The following list of suggestions may be useful if you are looking for a job.

1. Set your job targets. Determine and specify what types of jobs you want and the salary you expect to earn. List your most important job target criteria: what you need and what you want. Be realistic and stay flexible. Formulate your job targets to take advantage of your skills, past experience and qualities.
2. Have an action plan. Make a list of companies you are interested in and any other potential employers. Make a list of contacts and network effectively. Establish a job search routine. Make a schedule of tasks: phoning contacts to establish leads only, not to ask for jobs.
3. Track down job leads. Track down all job leads that are of interest to you or have potential. The more obvious ones are: career section in newspapers, magazines, personnel agencies and recruiters. The best sources of job leads are friends, colleagues, ex-colleagues and relatives. 
4. Prepare yourself well. Research the field and companies you are targeting thoroughly using libraries and other available resources. Classify your job target criteria into requirement and preference. Prepare and update your résumé. Practise your job hunting techniques with the companies at the bottom of your preference list. This gives you an opportunity to sharpen your skills on the job leads that you are least interested in. If you succeed in getting a job right away, you may consider it as a temporary job until you get a better one.
5. Focus your effort on your best prospects. Customize your résumé for the job leads that interest you most. Make it appealing to your potential employers by showing you in the best possible light. Ask a competent person to evaluate it for objectivity. Emphasize your education, strengths, accomplishments and work experience that you anticipate they are looking for. Find out who is the person who has the authority to make you an offer. Send your résumé directly to him or her with a copy to the personnel manager. Get as many interviews as you can.
6. Develop the ability to sell yourself. Know your strengths and weaknesses. A positive attitude, enthusiasm and resourcefulness are good selling points in the job stakes. Relate your qualifications, experience, skills and qualities to the needs and relevance of your potential employers. Put yourself in the shoes of the employer looking to fill a job.
7. Prepare yourself for the interviews. Research and learn as much about your potential employers including their products and services, their strengths and weaknesses, and their needs and expectations. Prepare yourself for interviews by rehearsing some specific questions you are likely to be asked. Anticipate the needs of your potential employer and be prepared to relate your strengths, skills, accomplishments and experience to their needs and expectations. Have a list of carefully chosen references available if asked.
8. Sell yourself at the interview. Win the interview performance by selling yourself. Create an immediate rapport and connection with the interviewer(s) by providing good first impressions like a firm handshake, making eye contact when speaking and listening, and appearing relaxed and confident. The easiest way to sell yourself is to convey your passion for what you do. Highlight your experience, skills, strengths and accomplishments that are important to the interviewer(s). Convince your interviewer(s) that you can and are willing to do the job, and can fit in with the company’s organization and their corporate culture.
9. Believe in yourself. Whatever the outcome of the interview, have faith and confidence that you will get hired and achieve what you want. If you have a disappointment, try to keep up your morale and spirit. Ask for some constructive feedback and keep going. Never give up. There is nothing to it but to do it, one contact at a time, one interview at a time. If you are made an offer, negotiate for your needs and requirements, again be reasonable and flexible. Accept or refuse any offer gracefully and respectfully in writing. Do not burn any bridges.

            Looking for a job is a tough and stressful commitment. To be successful in today’s competitive job market, you need to think of yourself as a small business owner who is offering your core competencies and skills. Identify your potential employers and develop an effective business and marketing plan to sell your knowledge and services. Employers are seeking individuals who can be part of their solution and contribute their bottom line. You must be able to convince them that you can add value to their business. Look constantly for ways of matching your skills to solve the employer’s problems. View yourself as a solution-oriented entrepreneur by stating clearly what you can do to assist each potential employer. Your success depends on your ability to understand the employer’s wants and needs and convince him or her that you will be an asset who can fill the needs.

            Your communication skills and your social intelligence determine your ability to communicate your competencies and sell your services, and persuade the potential employer to hire you. The advice outlined above have been used successfully in the past by myself and others. Depending on your own circumstances, you have to determine whether they are applicable to you and put them into practice accordingly. Incorporate some of the best job-hunting advice and suggestions in your own present situation. Good luck!

Kin Tue-Fee

Excerpt from my book: BECOME YOUR BEST.  www.kintue-fee.com