INCORPORATE GOOD HABITS IN YOUR DAILY ACTIVITIES
All of us are creatures of habit. We all have good and bad habits. The challenge is to change bad habits into good ones. Habits are a combination of internalized principles, ways of thinking and doing, and lifestyle behaviours. Healthy habits can be learned by anyone who is willing to put in the necessary effort. You too can cultivate good habits that can enhance your life enormously if you have the discipline to pay attention to what you think and do. At first the implementation of any new habit is difficult and awkward, and demands a lot of effort. After some persistent repetition, you will find it easier and eventually the habit becomes almost effortless to put into practice. Habits become a part of your nature by willpower, practice and repetition. Cultivate good habits to the point that they become second nature. People with a wide range of winning habits are likely to have more effective responses in their repertoire. Successful people understand the importance of good habits and religiously practise them in their daily process of living. You must remain alert to the effects of your habits to ensure that they are still serving a useful purpose. Be ready and willing to change your old bad habits and embrace new winning ones which will serve you better. Try substitution. For example, instead of a chocolate bar, have an apple for a snack. Be committed and force yourself to hold tight to the new habits for at least 21 consecutive days. Let the good habits be the little extras you choose to do. Think how much difference the incorporation of a repertoire of winning habits can make to your life, say five years from now. Let your imagination and visualization motivate you to put them into practice right now.
Much of our behaviours and habits are so well developed that they become automatic responses. It is important that we choose and develop good habits when we are young rather than to change bad habits when we are older because breaking bad habits is very difficult. Just look at the millions of people who know that smoking is bad for their health. They know that every cigarette they smoke can potentially reduce their life expectancy by approximately fourteen minutes. They are desperate to give it up but find it almost impossible to break the addiction. Many people also have temporary bad habits which are perpetuated by fuss, punishment and encouragement which may pass away of themselves if left unnoticed. To change entrenched bad habits, one has to put a lot of effort into spotting the triggering process, stopping the automatic response, and substituting more appropriate behaviour. People with bad habits due to serious addiction such as drug abuse, smoking and drinking problems, need to seek help right away.
Make your habits serve you, not the other way around. Ask yourself whether any habit is contributing to your well-being or not. If you change your habit, what will be your positive benefit? So long as you are hanging on to habits that are not enhancing your life, you are limiting your potential. It is within your power to cultivate the habit of reminding yourself that you can make wiser choices. Make it a daily habit to read materials which expand your mind. A good habit worth stressing is to laugh at yourself and with yourself. Don't take yourself too seriously. Laughing at yourself is a good way of acknowledging your imperfections and humanness. Get in the habit of surrounding yourself with positive minded, effective and wise people. All the principles and advice in this book will be much more useful to you if you practise them. You can have a fulfilled life by simply incorporating good habits into your daily activities.
Here are some of the good habits, in no particular order, that you can acquire to enhance your life. Most of them are developed in greater detail in this book. They were the one-line ideas and guidelines from which I started to write this book. I hope they are as useful to you. May these good habits empower you to really live your life to its fullest!
* Know your priorities
* Establish realistic goals and expectations
* Align your goals with your values
* Commit yourself with dedication
* Eat nutritious food
* Don't smoke or stop smoking
* Drink alcoholic beverages in moderation
* Exercise on a regular basis
* Smile and feel happy
* Greet people with a smile, handshake, kiss or a hug
* Develop and maintain a positive mental attitude
* Start and end your day with positive thoughts or thanksgiving prayers
* Do things you enjoy
* Be generous with compliments
* Enjoy the little things in life
* Cultivate humour and laugh at yourself
* Become a master of the fine art of listening
* Communicate using all your senses
* Practise to become a good public speaker
* Learn to negotiate through listening and communicating
* Be open and honest in your communication
* Be proactive and do important things first
* Be ready and willing to learn
* Learn a new word everyday
* Develop a sense of well-being and contentment
* Find your own balance
* Know your strengths and limitations
* Remind yourself to be positive and enthusiastic
* Adopt the qualities of healthy families
* Take delight in whom you love
* Cultivate teamwork and cooperation
* Learn to cope with adversity and failure
* Avoid frustrations and bursts of anger
* Learn to relax and enjoy the moment
* Treat yourself and your loved ones
* Nurture the love and affection for your family
* Count your blessings and be grateful for them
* Realize that your happiness lies within you
* Be honest and responsible
* Take control of your precious time
* Arrive on time for your appointments
* Honour your commitments and agreements
* Retain a long term perspective
* Let your actions speak for you
* Develop a good character
* Enhance your self-esteem
* Become your best friend
* Keep a personal journal
* Write down your thoughts, fear, and aspirations
* Use your instinct to your advantage
* Live within your means
* Manage your money
* Pay yourself first
* Learn to invest wisely
* Pay off your debts and mortgage early
* Beat the cost of living and save income tax
* Eliminate financial stress and worry
* Have a financial plan
* Be selective in your reading
* Read only the positive and important materials
* Visualize yourself as you want to become
* Plan and reassess your goals and objectives
* Commit to improve yourself with dedication
* Have the will to prepare
* Read inspirational books
* Use the public libraries
* Associate yourself with positive and wise people
* Develop a network of friends, business associates and mentors
* Profit from other people's experience and expertise
* Express your gratitude for any help you receive
* Seek models of successful people to follow in their footsteps
* Look at things and problems from different perspectives
* Think like a winner
* Use and challenge your brain
* Examine every idea you encounter before you adopt or discard it
* Develop your memory
* Feed your mind with positive thoughts and empowering beliefs
* Flex your paradigm
* Share your prosperity and knowledge
* Help people become successful
* Reach out to help somebody in need
* Search for the seed of good in every adversity
* Let your love flow
* See the good in everyone
* Share your many blessings with others
* Trust your intuition
* Treat every day as a special gift from God
* Become a peacemaker
* Do and give your best at all times
* Put all the good habits into practice
* Become your best
You are where you are and what you are today because of your choices and your established habits. You can change for the better by simply choosing to incorporate more good habits in your daily life.
Excerpt from my book: Become your Best
www.kintue-fee.com
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Inspire and Motivate Yourself
INSPIRE AND MOTIVATE YOURSELF
Through daily affirmations, visualizations, and inspirations you can motivate yourself to grow spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. Self-inspiration and motivation take a lot of practice but they are skills that can be learned. They give you the discipline and resilience to try harder when everybody else is about to quit. They strengthen your resolve to improve yourself in areas of your choice and reward you with self-esteem and confidence among other things.
It's hard to feel motivated to do anything if you can't see any reward for your effort. Visualize the rewards of becoming more self-confident: the power of believing in yourself, the feeling of accomplishment, the healthy self-esteem you'll have, the respect others will have for you, the rewarding relationships you'll enjoy, the opportunity you'll attract, and so on. Imagine yourself at a business meeting, feeling certain to be able to respond to the demands of the moment in the most effective way you know. Tell yourself you are confident in your ability to deal with new situations as they arise. Feel the sense of confidence in being able to scan any situation, think on your feet and deal with the issue in whatever way you determine is best for your own needs and purposes. You can be inspired and motivated to put in the extra effort today by focusing on the future rewards.
Look at everyday as an opportunity to explore your world for the sake of learning something new and meaningful. Get to know your wants and needs very well. Use your personal mission statement to inspire and motivate you to go ahead with your goals and purpose in life. Look at all the goals you have already achieved so far in your life for inspiration and motivation. When you find an inspirational quote that means something to you, remember to write it down and use it to motivate you. Keep a notebook handy to record the things you hear and read that inspire and motivate you. Meaningful quotes can change as you get on with your life. The best affirmations are the ones you compose for yourself. Write your own affirmations and inspirational phrases based on your current philosophy, beliefs and values. Make a positive statement on something that is beginning to happen in your life. Try to incorporate the eight most inspirational and motivational words used by lots of successful people: I am, I can, I will, I believe.
I am a worthy person who is contributing to society,
I can develop loving relationships,
I will always help others in anyway I can,
I believe in the teachings of ........ e.g. spiritual leaders.
Make your own meaningful slogans and motivational quotations. Repeat the phrases over and over for a long period of time with enthusiasm until they, together with your philosophy and values, eventually become part of your belief system. Through this conscious programming you can give yourself inspirational and motivational messages automatically. Through repetition of these thoughts in your mind and by taking action in alignment with them, you can make behavioural changes in yourself. These changes can be as subtle as becoming more comfortable with yourself, improving your relationships or developing a more positive attitude toward life. The possibilities are limitless. Try to keep the phrases short, simple and meaningful. Select one or two messages to start with, depending on what is most important to you at the moment, and make it part of you. It is very effective to repeat the inspirational and motivational messages just before you go to sleep. Repetition is important, do it every day to develop the habit and make it part of your life. Remember that repetitive conscious programming without actively practising what you believe in is not going to be very effective. You have to be participating actively in creating an environment, relationship or behavioural changes which reflect your inspirational and motivational messages.
Read inspirational books and get motivated to better yourself. Look for role models, mentors and positive people that can reinforce your motivation for self-actualization. Join fitness clubs, public speaking groups, discussion groups on spirituality and any other association that can motivate you to develop yourself further. When you feel down, try to recapture the times when you were creative, appreciated, and rewarded for your effort. Think about those times in which you have felt most fully human and alive: being kind and helpful with no thought of return, overcoming your fear, and being filled with pride for something you did. Excite your imagination and inspire your creative vision with your enthusiasm. Use your positive attitude and self-esteem as a driving force for inspiring and motivating yourself. Keep telling yourself and, more importantly, believing that you are a worthy person who has a lot to contribute during your lifetime. Remind yourself that you are responsible for your well-being and you have the resources to do it.
Keep a personal journal to record your thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams. Commit your objectives to paper, write your goals in it. Make sure you record the goals you have achieved in it too. List your values, skills, strengths and interests in it. In your journal, write about your ideal life. Keeping a journal is an invaluable tool for recording your personal growth and development. Occasionally, read over what you have written for it can inspire and motivate you when you realize how much you have progressed along the way.
Excerpt from my book: Become your best
www.kintue-fee.com
Through daily affirmations, visualizations, and inspirations you can motivate yourself to grow spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. Self-inspiration and motivation take a lot of practice but they are skills that can be learned. They give you the discipline and resilience to try harder when everybody else is about to quit. They strengthen your resolve to improve yourself in areas of your choice and reward you with self-esteem and confidence among other things.
It's hard to feel motivated to do anything if you can't see any reward for your effort. Visualize the rewards of becoming more self-confident: the power of believing in yourself, the feeling of accomplishment, the healthy self-esteem you'll have, the respect others will have for you, the rewarding relationships you'll enjoy, the opportunity you'll attract, and so on. Imagine yourself at a business meeting, feeling certain to be able to respond to the demands of the moment in the most effective way you know. Tell yourself you are confident in your ability to deal with new situations as they arise. Feel the sense of confidence in being able to scan any situation, think on your feet and deal with the issue in whatever way you determine is best for your own needs and purposes. You can be inspired and motivated to put in the extra effort today by focusing on the future rewards.
Look at everyday as an opportunity to explore your world for the sake of learning something new and meaningful. Get to know your wants and needs very well. Use your personal mission statement to inspire and motivate you to go ahead with your goals and purpose in life. Look at all the goals you have already achieved so far in your life for inspiration and motivation. When you find an inspirational quote that means something to you, remember to write it down and use it to motivate you. Keep a notebook handy to record the things you hear and read that inspire and motivate you. Meaningful quotes can change as you get on with your life. The best affirmations are the ones you compose for yourself. Write your own affirmations and inspirational phrases based on your current philosophy, beliefs and values. Make a positive statement on something that is beginning to happen in your life. Try to incorporate the eight most inspirational and motivational words used by lots of successful people: I am, I can, I will, I believe.
I am a worthy person who is contributing to society,
I can develop loving relationships,
I will always help others in anyway I can,
I believe in the teachings of ........ e.g. spiritual leaders.
Make your own meaningful slogans and motivational quotations. Repeat the phrases over and over for a long period of time with enthusiasm until they, together with your philosophy and values, eventually become part of your belief system. Through this conscious programming you can give yourself inspirational and motivational messages automatically. Through repetition of these thoughts in your mind and by taking action in alignment with them, you can make behavioural changes in yourself. These changes can be as subtle as becoming more comfortable with yourself, improving your relationships or developing a more positive attitude toward life. The possibilities are limitless. Try to keep the phrases short, simple and meaningful. Select one or two messages to start with, depending on what is most important to you at the moment, and make it part of you. It is very effective to repeat the inspirational and motivational messages just before you go to sleep. Repetition is important, do it every day to develop the habit and make it part of your life. Remember that repetitive conscious programming without actively practising what you believe in is not going to be very effective. You have to be participating actively in creating an environment, relationship or behavioural changes which reflect your inspirational and motivational messages.
Read inspirational books and get motivated to better yourself. Look for role models, mentors and positive people that can reinforce your motivation for self-actualization. Join fitness clubs, public speaking groups, discussion groups on spirituality and any other association that can motivate you to develop yourself further. When you feel down, try to recapture the times when you were creative, appreciated, and rewarded for your effort. Think about those times in which you have felt most fully human and alive: being kind and helpful with no thought of return, overcoming your fear, and being filled with pride for something you did. Excite your imagination and inspire your creative vision with your enthusiasm. Use your positive attitude and self-esteem as a driving force for inspiring and motivating yourself. Keep telling yourself and, more importantly, believing that you are a worthy person who has a lot to contribute during your lifetime. Remind yourself that you are responsible for your well-being and you have the resources to do it.
Keep a personal journal to record your thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams. Commit your objectives to paper, write your goals in it. Make sure you record the goals you have achieved in it too. List your values, skills, strengths and interests in it. In your journal, write about your ideal life. Keeping a journal is an invaluable tool for recording your personal growth and development. Occasionally, read over what you have written for it can inspire and motivate you when you realize how much you have progressed along the way.
Excerpt from my book: Become your best
www.kintue-fee.com
Friday, November 6, 2009
Set your goals
SET YOUR GOALS
Setting goals is the foundation of all success in life. Goals are very important because they give you a sense of direction, progress and achievement in life. Meaningful goals can be basically anything that you intend to accomplish that will enhance your life and will benefit others too. Effective goal setting comes from having a clear conception of what you want to accomplish and what you want to become. Make sure your goals reflect your priorities, values, principles and beliefs. You don't want to wake up one day and realize that you've wasted your time and energy to achieve goals that were not in harmony with who you really are. Your goals should be intended for good things to happen in your life and the lives of others. Opportunities do not come knocking at your door, you must create your own goals. Government, institutions, parents and partners can support and encourage you but they cannot give you exactly what you want in life. Only you know your dreams and goals, and only you can make it happen. Be as clear and specific as you can. Unless you have a detailed idea of your goal, it is difficult if not impossible to achieve it. Each person who has achieved lasting success had goals and devoted his or her time and energy to plan and implement them.
It's not enough to set goals in your mind, write your goals on a piece of paper. Do not fall into the trap of thinking that because you know your goals mentally, it's a waste of time putting them on paper. I learned my lessons the hard way. I did not believe it would make any difference whether my goals were written down or not. I was proven wrong. Like most people, I used to think of some goals I would like to achieve. Without writing them down, I was limited in the number of goals I could mentally remember. After a period of time, I would reach a few of my goals and I would forget about a few others that were still important to me. It's only when I started to record them on paper first and later in my computer that I was reminded of all my goals whenever I needed a reminder.
Recording my goals on my computer helped me to make wise choices and to set priorities. The process gave me an opportunity to reassess the goals and ask myself whether they were based on valid principles. I started to make a lot more progress once they were on paper. One goal after another was achieved and I got a lot more feedback. I could refer back to all the goals that I had already achieved which previously without any record I could not do. As a result I became more focused and motivated. Guess what? My self-confidence and self-esteem got a big boost. I was riding the "virtuous circle" since confidence breeds confidence. As my goals were reached, I set new and higher goals. Now one of my most important goals is to write and talk about the principles of personal management and development which I believe are essential life skills.
Building up your self-image and your self-esteem has to be one of the most worthwhile goals you can have. Together with a positive mental attitude, it is a prerequisite to your self-management and self-development. You need to focus on measurable, manageable and meaningful goals. It is better to set your goals slightly higher than what may seem realistic. For one thing, easy goals are not challenging and are usually of no great benefit to you. By aiming big, you have to be more committed and more creative. At the same time, be reasonable and set goals that are fitting to your degree of expertise. Don't set your goals so high that they overwhelm you and keep you from starting in the first place.
Remember that goals based on greed more than anything else have destroyed many ambitious people. Appropriate expectations prevent grievous disappointments and frustrations. In any case, reality will take care of itself and will dictate adjustments accordingly. As long as you remain flexible in your approach, there is no point in limiting yourself unnecessarily right from the start. Little changes along the way do not mean that you have to abandon your goal. Successful people who accomplish major goals remain open to new information and change, and are persistent in their commitment and resourceful in the face of problems and challenges.
You can have a number of goals related to all aspects of your life, for example: family and social life, financial security, spiritual growth, physical health, relationship, education and career. Don’t just have material and financial goals. Have a variety of goals in all aspects of your life.
While it is essential to have some plans and goals, try not to impose too much order and rigidity in your life. It is also important to maintain flexibility and to remember that life is not just a series of predictable achievements. If your goals are set with the intent to make good things happen in your life and in the lives of others including your family, you can expect some positive results. Set goals that resonate with what your heart desires based on humane values.
It is very rare that one accomplishes all one's goals all the time. You may not achieve all your goals completely as you would wish but you can expect to accomplish most of them provided you commit yourself and have the discipline to work at them. Once you have mastered the habit of establishing goals in alignment with your core values and beliefs, you begin to experience a sense of accomplishment. Believe in yourself and have faith in your abilities. By setting your goals and taking action, you will start to feel an increase in confidence and in your ability to overcome unforeseen obstacles along the way.
Extract from my book: Become your best
www.kintue-fee.com
Setting goals is the foundation of all success in life. Goals are very important because they give you a sense of direction, progress and achievement in life. Meaningful goals can be basically anything that you intend to accomplish that will enhance your life and will benefit others too. Effective goal setting comes from having a clear conception of what you want to accomplish and what you want to become. Make sure your goals reflect your priorities, values, principles and beliefs. You don't want to wake up one day and realize that you've wasted your time and energy to achieve goals that were not in harmony with who you really are. Your goals should be intended for good things to happen in your life and the lives of others. Opportunities do not come knocking at your door, you must create your own goals. Government, institutions, parents and partners can support and encourage you but they cannot give you exactly what you want in life. Only you know your dreams and goals, and only you can make it happen. Be as clear and specific as you can. Unless you have a detailed idea of your goal, it is difficult if not impossible to achieve it. Each person who has achieved lasting success had goals and devoted his or her time and energy to plan and implement them.
It's not enough to set goals in your mind, write your goals on a piece of paper. Do not fall into the trap of thinking that because you know your goals mentally, it's a waste of time putting them on paper. I learned my lessons the hard way. I did not believe it would make any difference whether my goals were written down or not. I was proven wrong. Like most people, I used to think of some goals I would like to achieve. Without writing them down, I was limited in the number of goals I could mentally remember. After a period of time, I would reach a few of my goals and I would forget about a few others that were still important to me. It's only when I started to record them on paper first and later in my computer that I was reminded of all my goals whenever I needed a reminder.
Recording my goals on my computer helped me to make wise choices and to set priorities. The process gave me an opportunity to reassess the goals and ask myself whether they were based on valid principles. I started to make a lot more progress once they were on paper. One goal after another was achieved and I got a lot more feedback. I could refer back to all the goals that I had already achieved which previously without any record I could not do. As a result I became more focused and motivated. Guess what? My self-confidence and self-esteem got a big boost. I was riding the "virtuous circle" since confidence breeds confidence. As my goals were reached, I set new and higher goals. Now one of my most important goals is to write and talk about the principles of personal management and development which I believe are essential life skills.
Building up your self-image and your self-esteem has to be one of the most worthwhile goals you can have. Together with a positive mental attitude, it is a prerequisite to your self-management and self-development. You need to focus on measurable, manageable and meaningful goals. It is better to set your goals slightly higher than what may seem realistic. For one thing, easy goals are not challenging and are usually of no great benefit to you. By aiming big, you have to be more committed and more creative. At the same time, be reasonable and set goals that are fitting to your degree of expertise. Don't set your goals so high that they overwhelm you and keep you from starting in the first place.
Remember that goals based on greed more than anything else have destroyed many ambitious people. Appropriate expectations prevent grievous disappointments and frustrations. In any case, reality will take care of itself and will dictate adjustments accordingly. As long as you remain flexible in your approach, there is no point in limiting yourself unnecessarily right from the start. Little changes along the way do not mean that you have to abandon your goal. Successful people who accomplish major goals remain open to new information and change, and are persistent in their commitment and resourceful in the face of problems and challenges.
You can have a number of goals related to all aspects of your life, for example: family and social life, financial security, spiritual growth, physical health, relationship, education and career. Don’t just have material and financial goals. Have a variety of goals in all aspects of your life.
While it is essential to have some plans and goals, try not to impose too much order and rigidity in your life. It is also important to maintain flexibility and to remember that life is not just a series of predictable achievements. If your goals are set with the intent to make good things happen in your life and in the lives of others including your family, you can expect some positive results. Set goals that resonate with what your heart desires based on humane values.
It is very rare that one accomplishes all one's goals all the time. You may not achieve all your goals completely as you would wish but you can expect to accomplish most of them provided you commit yourself and have the discipline to work at them. Once you have mastered the habit of establishing goals in alignment with your core values and beliefs, you begin to experience a sense of accomplishment. Believe in yourself and have faith in your abilities. By setting your goals and taking action, you will start to feel an increase in confidence and in your ability to overcome unforeseen obstacles along the way.
Extract from my book: Become your best
www.kintue-fee.com
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Convert ideas to actions
CONVERT IDEAS TO ACTIONS
Living a purposeful life requires you to devote yourself to fulfilling your personal mission statement. You have concentrated your attention upon where you want to go and what you want to become. You may want all of or a combination of the following: money, health, education, faith, relationship, success, recognition and creative expression. However, it is not enough just to visualize or imagine something. Vision, information and knowledge are only potential power until they are converted into results through effective actions. Ideas and intentions are fine but without commitment and action you can never realize your goal. You don't achieve your goal simply by wishing and wanting it. To achieve your purpose in life, you must be able to progress from having a global picture of what you want to accomplish in your lifetime to taking action. Your thoughts, ideas and choices need to be converted into decisive actions. This is where most people have doubts and uncertainty about their ability and the outcome. Some people find it difficult to act if they have to take risks. The risk of failure becomes a daunting barrier. The key is to acknowledge that there is a certain amount of risk and uncertainty while you remain focused on taking action. While you can expect some mistakes and setbacks in the process, you can develop life skills to cope and overcome them. You need to expect changes and be prepared to adapt and improvise. By being flexible and adaptive and by persevering, you will eventually achieve positive outcomes and experience success. It is when you act by striving to do your best that you have the opportunity to develop resilience and self-confidence. The whole process of converting ideas to actions should be done in alignment with your values, principles and purpose. This involves some careful thought about setting realistic goals and planning appropriate tasks. The challenges you face to accomplish your mission can best be summarized step by step as follows:
1. Determine your purpose
2. Create your vision
3. Set specific goals
4. Plan your strategy
5. Focus your energy
6. Get the proper tools
7. Take decisive actions
8. Monitor your progress
You should have a very good idea about your purpose in life by now if you have written your personal mission statement. The previous exercises have helped you to create a clearer vision of where you want to go and who you want to become.
The third step is to set your goals. What are your goals? Each of us will have to answer this question personally. Most people can relate to goals such as: be happy, become successful, build satisfying relationships and maintain good health. You can be given guidance and advice but in the end it is a decision you have to make on your own. Only you can decide what you want to do for the rest of your life. Guided by your purpose in life, set realistic and manageable goals. It is important that your objectives are as specific as they can be.
You'll need to plan your strategy to help you focus your efforts toward achieving your goals. An action plan based on your strategy is a must, especially for major goals. List the actions that will be required to achieve your goals. Your plan should be specific and should spell out exactly how you are going to accomplish your goal. A proper plan is essential if you want to be rewarded with the desired results. The next step is to focus your energy through self-motivation, perseverance and readiness to make the required efforts. The sixth step is to acquire the physical and psychological tools you need to reach your goals. This step is often skipped because it is time consuming and requires commitment, concentration and discipline. It can be anything from training and overcoming obstacles to developing the required skills and confidence to see you through. The seventh step deals with taking charge. A good plan without action achieves nothing. It's time to put your plan into action. Now you move from the thinking and planning phase to taking decisive actions. The eighth step is to monitor your progress and to measure your achievements.
There should be a good balance between your home and work. Make sure your family relationships are not suffering while you are pursuing your professional responsibilities. You should monitor that you are functioning with positive characteristics such as honesty, integrity, kindness and respect. It is also very important that you have the capacity to enjoy and celebrate your little victories along the long and sometimes difficult road toward achieving your goals. These skills can be learned, refined to suit your particular circumstances and used over and over again as your journey in life takes you into uncharted territory.
When you are ready to convert ideas into actions, pull out the anchor. Set your sails and cast away. Keep your eyes all the time on your Northern Star, your personal mission statement.
Extract from my book: Become your best
www.kintue-fee.com
Living a purposeful life requires you to devote yourself to fulfilling your personal mission statement. You have concentrated your attention upon where you want to go and what you want to become. You may want all of or a combination of the following: money, health, education, faith, relationship, success, recognition and creative expression. However, it is not enough just to visualize or imagine something. Vision, information and knowledge are only potential power until they are converted into results through effective actions. Ideas and intentions are fine but without commitment and action you can never realize your goal. You don't achieve your goal simply by wishing and wanting it. To achieve your purpose in life, you must be able to progress from having a global picture of what you want to accomplish in your lifetime to taking action. Your thoughts, ideas and choices need to be converted into decisive actions. This is where most people have doubts and uncertainty about their ability and the outcome. Some people find it difficult to act if they have to take risks. The risk of failure becomes a daunting barrier. The key is to acknowledge that there is a certain amount of risk and uncertainty while you remain focused on taking action. While you can expect some mistakes and setbacks in the process, you can develop life skills to cope and overcome them. You need to expect changes and be prepared to adapt and improvise. By being flexible and adaptive and by persevering, you will eventually achieve positive outcomes and experience success. It is when you act by striving to do your best that you have the opportunity to develop resilience and self-confidence. The whole process of converting ideas to actions should be done in alignment with your values, principles and purpose. This involves some careful thought about setting realistic goals and planning appropriate tasks. The challenges you face to accomplish your mission can best be summarized step by step as follows:
1. Determine your purpose
2. Create your vision
3. Set specific goals
4. Plan your strategy
5. Focus your energy
6. Get the proper tools
7. Take decisive actions
8. Monitor your progress
You should have a very good idea about your purpose in life by now if you have written your personal mission statement. The previous exercises have helped you to create a clearer vision of where you want to go and who you want to become.
The third step is to set your goals. What are your goals? Each of us will have to answer this question personally. Most people can relate to goals such as: be happy, become successful, build satisfying relationships and maintain good health. You can be given guidance and advice but in the end it is a decision you have to make on your own. Only you can decide what you want to do for the rest of your life. Guided by your purpose in life, set realistic and manageable goals. It is important that your objectives are as specific as they can be.
You'll need to plan your strategy to help you focus your efforts toward achieving your goals. An action plan based on your strategy is a must, especially for major goals. List the actions that will be required to achieve your goals. Your plan should be specific and should spell out exactly how you are going to accomplish your goal. A proper plan is essential if you want to be rewarded with the desired results. The next step is to focus your energy through self-motivation, perseverance and readiness to make the required efforts. The sixth step is to acquire the physical and psychological tools you need to reach your goals. This step is often skipped because it is time consuming and requires commitment, concentration and discipline. It can be anything from training and overcoming obstacles to developing the required skills and confidence to see you through. The seventh step deals with taking charge. A good plan without action achieves nothing. It's time to put your plan into action. Now you move from the thinking and planning phase to taking decisive actions. The eighth step is to monitor your progress and to measure your achievements.
There should be a good balance between your home and work. Make sure your family relationships are not suffering while you are pursuing your professional responsibilities. You should monitor that you are functioning with positive characteristics such as honesty, integrity, kindness and respect. It is also very important that you have the capacity to enjoy and celebrate your little victories along the long and sometimes difficult road toward achieving your goals. These skills can be learned, refined to suit your particular circumstances and used over and over again as your journey in life takes you into uncharted territory.
When you are ready to convert ideas into actions, pull out the anchor. Set your sails and cast away. Keep your eyes all the time on your Northern Star, your personal mission statement.
Extract from my book: Become your best
www.kintue-fee.com
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Healthy Relationships
Healthy Relationships
Deeply ingrained in human nature, the desire to control our destiny occurs in everyone’s life, with varying degree and intensity. Not only do we want to control our life, sometimes we also want to control the behaviours of others. After all, control over others is power. Unfortunately, it’s very easy to abuse this power and domination over others.
Some people mistake the control over one’s own destiny and the destiny of others as being a necessary condition for ensuring their happiness and contentment. These people tend to be control freaks. They want to control everything, and in so doing they drive you crazy. They can be an overbearing father, an overprotective mother, an autocratic boss, a manipulative friend, or a jealous spouse. These are people who want to change you and your behaviours. They want to tell you what to do, and if they could they would run your lives. Their ego plays brilliantly on their fundamental fear of losing control, and of the unknown. They will use intimidation, manipulation, reason and logic, and emotional exploitation to try to persuade you to do things their way.
On the other extreme, there are people who hate confrontation to such a point that they always give in to others. These people tend to be treated accommodating doormats with other people walking all over them. They can be shy people, followers, colleagues without any initiative, abused spouses, yes-men, people who cannot decide for themselves. These are people who will do what they are told whether they like it or not. They tend to let others impose their will on them because they hate confrontation, have low self-worth and self-confidence, have no initiative, are laissez-faire type of people.
Under normal circumstances, most of us are somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. When we interact with others we like that our relationship follow a certain path. We are not comfortable being with people whose behaviours are unpredictable, irrational or puzzling to us. Sometimes we want to the leaders, and at other times we are quite happy to follow others. Regardless, we all have a certain amount of control on others and ourselves.
People’s behaviour is fundamentally selfish in nature. We are all looking after our self interest. And it is no different in the realm of personal relationships. Even when we act benevolently toward others, most of the time we don’t do it out of altruism. We do so in the expectation of being recognized and rewarded by some reciprocal act of kindness in the future. It’s like having a deposit account where we are depositing favours, and acts of kindness. In times of needs, we expect that we can call on the past beneficiaries, and successfully draw from that deposit account.
Let’s take, for example, the maxim, “Honesty is the best policy” in a relationship context. Many people can honestly say to spouses that they have never been unfaithful to them. However, how many of them have really had the opportunity of having an affair or a one night stand, but have genuinely refuse the offer. How many of them would engage in sexual activities with other partners if they were sure that they would not be caught? How many of them are not tempted because they are scared of sexually transmitted diseases like aids and venereal diseases? The controlling factors for fidelity are not necessarily love, respect and loyalty to their spouses, but rather a combination of other factors as described above.
We have the tendency of trying to influence others so that they will see things from our point of view. Everything is fine when people agree with us, and when our values and beliefs systems coincide. Once there is difference of opinions and conflicts, the relationship is in distress. It’s much more difficult to have the habit of putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes. To have healthy interactions, we need to develop relationships based on mutual love and trust. When there is disagreement, try to find a win-win solution.
You need to learn when to combat the control that others want to impose on you, and when to accommodate them to create respectful and trustful relationships. Don’t let someone’s else controlling behaviour dictate how you live your life. Take control of your life and relationship. Be assertive and don’t let control freaks dominate or victimize you. Be flexible, think in terms of preference rather than in terms of must have or must be like that.
Most human relationships consist of people interacting mentally and emotionally with each other. Healthy human relationships need commitment, caring, compatibility, communication and compromise. You need to give up the illusion of control. You certainly need to have a positive mental attitude and a healthy self-esteem. No relationship can thrive without you being in touch with your inner self and having a relationship with God. When all is said and done, everything in life that truly matters can be boiled down to meaningful and fulfilling relationships. Life is a series of relationships; the rest is just the mechanics of life.
Check out my books and seminars in my website: http://www.kintue-fee.com/
Deeply ingrained in human nature, the desire to control our destiny occurs in everyone’s life, with varying degree and intensity. Not only do we want to control our life, sometimes we also want to control the behaviours of others. After all, control over others is power. Unfortunately, it’s very easy to abuse this power and domination over others.
Some people mistake the control over one’s own destiny and the destiny of others as being a necessary condition for ensuring their happiness and contentment. These people tend to be control freaks. They want to control everything, and in so doing they drive you crazy. They can be an overbearing father, an overprotective mother, an autocratic boss, a manipulative friend, or a jealous spouse. These are people who want to change you and your behaviours. They want to tell you what to do, and if they could they would run your lives. Their ego plays brilliantly on their fundamental fear of losing control, and of the unknown. They will use intimidation, manipulation, reason and logic, and emotional exploitation to try to persuade you to do things their way.
On the other extreme, there are people who hate confrontation to such a point that they always give in to others. These people tend to be treated accommodating doormats with other people walking all over them. They can be shy people, followers, colleagues without any initiative, abused spouses, yes-men, people who cannot decide for themselves. These are people who will do what they are told whether they like it or not. They tend to let others impose their will on them because they hate confrontation, have low self-worth and self-confidence, have no initiative, are laissez-faire type of people.
Under normal circumstances, most of us are somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. When we interact with others we like that our relationship follow a certain path. We are not comfortable being with people whose behaviours are unpredictable, irrational or puzzling to us. Sometimes we want to the leaders, and at other times we are quite happy to follow others. Regardless, we all have a certain amount of control on others and ourselves.
People’s behaviour is fundamentally selfish in nature. We are all looking after our self interest. And it is no different in the realm of personal relationships. Even when we act benevolently toward others, most of the time we don’t do it out of altruism. We do so in the expectation of being recognized and rewarded by some reciprocal act of kindness in the future. It’s like having a deposit account where we are depositing favours, and acts of kindness. In times of needs, we expect that we can call on the past beneficiaries, and successfully draw from that deposit account.
Let’s take, for example, the maxim, “Honesty is the best policy” in a relationship context. Many people can honestly say to spouses that they have never been unfaithful to them. However, how many of them have really had the opportunity of having an affair or a one night stand, but have genuinely refuse the offer. How many of them would engage in sexual activities with other partners if they were sure that they would not be caught? How many of them are not tempted because they are scared of sexually transmitted diseases like aids and venereal diseases? The controlling factors for fidelity are not necessarily love, respect and loyalty to their spouses, but rather a combination of other factors as described above.
We have the tendency of trying to influence others so that they will see things from our point of view. Everything is fine when people agree with us, and when our values and beliefs systems coincide. Once there is difference of opinions and conflicts, the relationship is in distress. It’s much more difficult to have the habit of putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes. To have healthy interactions, we need to develop relationships based on mutual love and trust. When there is disagreement, try to find a win-win solution.
You need to learn when to combat the control that others want to impose on you, and when to accommodate them to create respectful and trustful relationships. Don’t let someone’s else controlling behaviour dictate how you live your life. Take control of your life and relationship. Be assertive and don’t let control freaks dominate or victimize you. Be flexible, think in terms of preference rather than in terms of must have or must be like that.
Most human relationships consist of people interacting mentally and emotionally with each other. Healthy human relationships need commitment, caring, compatibility, communication and compromise. You need to give up the illusion of control. You certainly need to have a positive mental attitude and a healthy self-esteem. No relationship can thrive without you being in touch with your inner self and having a relationship with God. When all is said and done, everything in life that truly matters can be boiled down to meaningful and fulfilling relationships. Life is a series of relationships; the rest is just the mechanics of life.
Check out my books and seminars in my website: http://www.kintue-fee.com/
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Accept yourself and be self-reliant
ACCEPT YOURSELF AND BE SELF-RELIANT
Once you are aware of the reality and the truth about yourself, you are able to understand why you are the way you are and behave the way you behave. Most importantly, you will learn to love and accept yourself as you are. You must accept who you are at the present even though you want to change and become a better person. Accepting yourself and being self-reliant put your well-being into your own hands. Acceptance of self is surrendering to what is: our circumstances, our values and beliefs, our emotions and feelings, our problems, our strengths and shortcomings, our financial status, our dreams and goals, our relationships with other people, and our procrastination.
You are a special and unique individual. From birth to death, the only person you can count on to be there with you during good and bad times is YOU. Understand that you are the one person on whom you can and should depend at all times. Become your best friend because you are going to spend all your time together. You might as well enjoy your company. Don't spend your life trying to be somebody else. The easiest thing to be in the world is yourself. Simplify your life, come as you are. You don't need to seek external confirmation of your ability, integrity and worth. You have feelings and opinions about yourself physically, mentally, socially and emotionally. Have a compassionate attitude toward yourself on the inside and on the outside, and don't undermine your self-esteem. Self-acceptance means in essence learning the lesson of compassion for oneself.
If there are some mistakes you made or some aspects of your personality you want to work on, accept these facts and try to do something positive about them. All things in life are imperfect, including you. When you accept your imperfection, you can embrace life and try to enhance yourself. Accept your life experiences, attitudes and emotional reactions. Make a commitment to accept and trust your intention with respect to people, situations and aspirations. There are many things about which you can do nothing so why not accept them and do the best you can with what you have. For example, you cannot change some of the characteristics that were given to you at birth. You may be short or tall, you may be dark or fair skinned and you may have an aptitude for figures and facts or for abstract subjects. You can accept yourself as you are and yet keep helping yourself to become better in areas you can improve. Have the confidence to be yourself and improve yourself in areas of your choice. Don't hide the natural you under all kinds of artificial masks and disguises. You don't need to have a major surgical operation or a face lift to feel lovable. To have self-reliance and confidence, you have to understand and develop your self-awareness. As you become more aware of your self-acceptance, you can move toward growth and fulfillment without fear.
Your reality is the values, beliefs, ideas, experiences and attitudes you have right now. You must understand the basis of the present reality and know that you are doing your best within your personal reality. The key to change is to accept your behaviour and other people's behaviour without judgement and without imposing your values on others. Realize that no one must change just to make you feel better. What you have to do is reevaluate your self-awareness. See whether you can enhance the clarity and vision with which you perceive and understand everything that affects your life. If something or someone is disturbing you physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually, you can change your reaction to the disturbing source by your conscious thoughts and decisions. Evaluate the potential benefits of changing your self-awareness and choose your response and reaction accordingly.
Recognition of our self-worth as a person is a crucial factor in building self-acceptance. Practically all our problems are the results of how we feel about ourselves. Our self-esteem is based on our personal self-acceptance and perception as a worthy or unworthy individual. It is the foundation on which to build our whole life. Often, people judge themselves almost exclusively in terms of achievement, prestige, power, money and physical attractiveness. They tend to be more preoccupied with how other people feel about them than how they feel about themselves. They feel bad if they cannot meet other people's expectations, paying less attention to their own needs and aspirations. They have a strong fear of rejection and failure, never daring to allow themselves to be rejected.
From an early age, you have been used to being compared to others. Do not compare yourself to others or judge yourself by comparison. There is absolutely no need for it. You rarely compare yourself with others that are worse off than you. You usually compare yourself with friends, relatives, neighbours, colleagues and famous people who are better off than you in one way or another. Making self-defeating comparisons is not a helpful thing to do. It is counterproductive and undermines your self-esteem. When you compare yourself unfavourably with other people in terms of educational qualifications, physical attributes, social status and wealth, you open yourself to self-doubt. You undermine your self-confidence and become discouraged to strive effectively to fulfill your own potential. If you allow this type of negative thinking to take over, it's not long before you feel resentful, discontented and depressed.
You can always find someone who is better or worse than you if you look hard enough. The person who compares himself or herself to others tends to live in a state of frustration and envy. He or she is always trying to do better than the next person. In the process, life loses its enjoyment. If you are confident and sure of yourself and your abilities, you don't feel the need to compete or compare yourself with others. Your sense of self-worth should not depend on how you measure up in comparison to others, but whether you remain true to your personal priorities and values. Don't worry whether other people are better off than you, create a lifestyle that meets your needs, aspirations and desires. The only thing that matters in the end is how you think of your own achievement based on your own efforts and abilities.
Self-reliance is the belief that you can handle things, solve your problems and become successful. Unfortunately, many people have the habit of depending on others, abdicating all personal authority and responsibility in favour of another person, organization, government, or religion. They permit this person, group or religion to be responsible for their happiness. They then have the luxury of having someone or something to blame whenever failure occurs. Since childhood, most of us have been conditioned to look at others for our welfare, and for guidance and wisdom. First it was our parents, then our teachers and later on our partners, colleagues, mentors, advisors and role models. While dependency plays an important role in our early upbringing and education, it was never intended to obliterate individual identity, personality and responsibility. It is very important to realize that even children should be encouraged to be self-reliant and should be given as much responsibility as they can handle at an early age. Every time you do something that your children are capable and willing to do for themselves, you may be undermining their self-esteem and confidence. Allow them to do whatever they can, even though it may not be done as well as what you expect. Allow them to make mistakes as long as the mistakes are not going to be catastrophic. Once they are willing to learn from them, most likely, they will not repeat them. They will know that, whatever they do, they either earn their own rewards or suffer the consequences of their mistakes.
You all have the innate ability to resolve most of the difficulties and problems you face. Ideas and solutions come easier when you are self-reliant and confident. You have a better chance to create options in situations where none seem to exist. If you are self-reliant, you don't need to blame others or external circumstances for the conditions of your life. You take responsibility for making your own decisions. You don't need to find somebody to depend on and to seek approval for everything you do. There will always be some people who disagree with you because we are all individuals with our own opinions and perceptions. When you meet disapproval, take it with a positive attitude. Think of self-enhancing thoughts rather than let the disapproval upset you. Trust yourself and believe in yourself. You don't have to argue or try to convince anyone of your belief and opinion. It is OK for people to have different opinions. You are what you choose to think and do, let others be what they want to be. You are able to meet life's challenges with confidence by looking at each situation in the light of reality.
Self-reliance does not mean that you should not accept or even ask for the much-needed help and assistance from others on occasion. It just means that you do not depend on them for your well-being, success and happiness. You cease to expect others to rescue you every time you are in trouble. It means you are secure within yourself taking full responsibility for your actions. You take personal responsibility for your successes and failures without blaming others for your lot in life. Self-reliance should not prevent you from asking for help when you need it. The nourishing effects of give-and-take, of assisting, of cooperating and of being helped do not preclude you from being self-reliant. Independence and reliance are valuable assets but they should not imply the rejection of other people's help. As you develop self-reliance, you will have the confidence to meet each life situation with self-assurance and poise. You will have more freedom to make better and wiser choices about the priorities in your life.
Extract from my book: Become your Best
www.kintue-fee.com
Once you are aware of the reality and the truth about yourself, you are able to understand why you are the way you are and behave the way you behave. Most importantly, you will learn to love and accept yourself as you are. You must accept who you are at the present even though you want to change and become a better person. Accepting yourself and being self-reliant put your well-being into your own hands. Acceptance of self is surrendering to what is: our circumstances, our values and beliefs, our emotions and feelings, our problems, our strengths and shortcomings, our financial status, our dreams and goals, our relationships with other people, and our procrastination.
You are a special and unique individual. From birth to death, the only person you can count on to be there with you during good and bad times is YOU. Understand that you are the one person on whom you can and should depend at all times. Become your best friend because you are going to spend all your time together. You might as well enjoy your company. Don't spend your life trying to be somebody else. The easiest thing to be in the world is yourself. Simplify your life, come as you are. You don't need to seek external confirmation of your ability, integrity and worth. You have feelings and opinions about yourself physically, mentally, socially and emotionally. Have a compassionate attitude toward yourself on the inside and on the outside, and don't undermine your self-esteem. Self-acceptance means in essence learning the lesson of compassion for oneself.
If there are some mistakes you made or some aspects of your personality you want to work on, accept these facts and try to do something positive about them. All things in life are imperfect, including you. When you accept your imperfection, you can embrace life and try to enhance yourself. Accept your life experiences, attitudes and emotional reactions. Make a commitment to accept and trust your intention with respect to people, situations and aspirations. There are many things about which you can do nothing so why not accept them and do the best you can with what you have. For example, you cannot change some of the characteristics that were given to you at birth. You may be short or tall, you may be dark or fair skinned and you may have an aptitude for figures and facts or for abstract subjects. You can accept yourself as you are and yet keep helping yourself to become better in areas you can improve. Have the confidence to be yourself and improve yourself in areas of your choice. Don't hide the natural you under all kinds of artificial masks and disguises. You don't need to have a major surgical operation or a face lift to feel lovable. To have self-reliance and confidence, you have to understand and develop your self-awareness. As you become more aware of your self-acceptance, you can move toward growth and fulfillment without fear.
Your reality is the values, beliefs, ideas, experiences and attitudes you have right now. You must understand the basis of the present reality and know that you are doing your best within your personal reality. The key to change is to accept your behaviour and other people's behaviour without judgement and without imposing your values on others. Realize that no one must change just to make you feel better. What you have to do is reevaluate your self-awareness. See whether you can enhance the clarity and vision with which you perceive and understand everything that affects your life. If something or someone is disturbing you physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually, you can change your reaction to the disturbing source by your conscious thoughts and decisions. Evaluate the potential benefits of changing your self-awareness and choose your response and reaction accordingly.
Recognition of our self-worth as a person is a crucial factor in building self-acceptance. Practically all our problems are the results of how we feel about ourselves. Our self-esteem is based on our personal self-acceptance and perception as a worthy or unworthy individual. It is the foundation on which to build our whole life. Often, people judge themselves almost exclusively in terms of achievement, prestige, power, money and physical attractiveness. They tend to be more preoccupied with how other people feel about them than how they feel about themselves. They feel bad if they cannot meet other people's expectations, paying less attention to their own needs and aspirations. They have a strong fear of rejection and failure, never daring to allow themselves to be rejected.
From an early age, you have been used to being compared to others. Do not compare yourself to others or judge yourself by comparison. There is absolutely no need for it. You rarely compare yourself with others that are worse off than you. You usually compare yourself with friends, relatives, neighbours, colleagues and famous people who are better off than you in one way or another. Making self-defeating comparisons is not a helpful thing to do. It is counterproductive and undermines your self-esteem. When you compare yourself unfavourably with other people in terms of educational qualifications, physical attributes, social status and wealth, you open yourself to self-doubt. You undermine your self-confidence and become discouraged to strive effectively to fulfill your own potential. If you allow this type of negative thinking to take over, it's not long before you feel resentful, discontented and depressed.
You can always find someone who is better or worse than you if you look hard enough. The person who compares himself or herself to others tends to live in a state of frustration and envy. He or she is always trying to do better than the next person. In the process, life loses its enjoyment. If you are confident and sure of yourself and your abilities, you don't feel the need to compete or compare yourself with others. Your sense of self-worth should not depend on how you measure up in comparison to others, but whether you remain true to your personal priorities and values. Don't worry whether other people are better off than you, create a lifestyle that meets your needs, aspirations and desires. The only thing that matters in the end is how you think of your own achievement based on your own efforts and abilities.
Self-reliance is the belief that you can handle things, solve your problems and become successful. Unfortunately, many people have the habit of depending on others, abdicating all personal authority and responsibility in favour of another person, organization, government, or religion. They permit this person, group or religion to be responsible for their happiness. They then have the luxury of having someone or something to blame whenever failure occurs. Since childhood, most of us have been conditioned to look at others for our welfare, and for guidance and wisdom. First it was our parents, then our teachers and later on our partners, colleagues, mentors, advisors and role models. While dependency plays an important role in our early upbringing and education, it was never intended to obliterate individual identity, personality and responsibility. It is very important to realize that even children should be encouraged to be self-reliant and should be given as much responsibility as they can handle at an early age. Every time you do something that your children are capable and willing to do for themselves, you may be undermining their self-esteem and confidence. Allow them to do whatever they can, even though it may not be done as well as what you expect. Allow them to make mistakes as long as the mistakes are not going to be catastrophic. Once they are willing to learn from them, most likely, they will not repeat them. They will know that, whatever they do, they either earn their own rewards or suffer the consequences of their mistakes.
You all have the innate ability to resolve most of the difficulties and problems you face. Ideas and solutions come easier when you are self-reliant and confident. You have a better chance to create options in situations where none seem to exist. If you are self-reliant, you don't need to blame others or external circumstances for the conditions of your life. You take responsibility for making your own decisions. You don't need to find somebody to depend on and to seek approval for everything you do. There will always be some people who disagree with you because we are all individuals with our own opinions and perceptions. When you meet disapproval, take it with a positive attitude. Think of self-enhancing thoughts rather than let the disapproval upset you. Trust yourself and believe in yourself. You don't have to argue or try to convince anyone of your belief and opinion. It is OK for people to have different opinions. You are what you choose to think and do, let others be what they want to be. You are able to meet life's challenges with confidence by looking at each situation in the light of reality.
Self-reliance does not mean that you should not accept or even ask for the much-needed help and assistance from others on occasion. It just means that you do not depend on them for your well-being, success and happiness. You cease to expect others to rescue you every time you are in trouble. It means you are secure within yourself taking full responsibility for your actions. You take personal responsibility for your successes and failures without blaming others for your lot in life. Self-reliance should not prevent you from asking for help when you need it. The nourishing effects of give-and-take, of assisting, of cooperating and of being helped do not preclude you from being self-reliant. Independence and reliance are valuable assets but they should not imply the rejection of other people's help. As you develop self-reliance, you will have the confidence to meet each life situation with self-assurance and poise. You will have more freedom to make better and wiser choices about the priorities in your life.
Extract from my book: Become your Best
www.kintue-fee.com
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Turn fear into power
TURN FEAR INTO POWER
Fear is a behavior dominated by an impression of unpleasant emotions, accompanied by reactions of the sympathetic nervous system giving rise to the desire for flight, trembling fits, mental paralysis, and physical inability to take instant action. Fear is acquired from unpleasant and frightening experiences. Fear can also protect us from dangerous situations. Most people have some kind of fear: fear of losing the important things in life, fear of pain, fear of loneliness, fear of making the wrong decisions, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of the unknown, fear of animals, fear of death, fear of public speaking, fear of rejection, fear of heights, fear of loss of liberty. The fear of losing our family, friends, jobs or possessions drives some of us to cling to them so desperately that it can make the situation even worse.
In our materialistic society and this economic downturn, one of the most common fears is that of poverty; of being unemployed, of not earning enough money to provide for oneself and our family, and of being financially dependent on others in our old age. Fear of failure predisposes most people not to attempt any venture that carries an element of risk. Fear of loneliness and isolation sometimes make people stay in relationships where they are abused and exploited. Fear of making wrong decisions keeps us from moving ahead with our lives. People fear death not because there is no escape from it but more because they don't know what lies ahead after death, if anything.
Fear of rejection makes us reluctant to invite new acquaintances to go out or to ask for help from people we don't know even when we desperately need it. Do you remember looking for dates in your teenage years? I remember agonizing about how best to invite a girl friend to a dancing party. Do I phone her or invite her face to face? I was very scared of being rejected and also a bit excited at the possibility of her accepting the invitation. It took a lot of courage and risk taking to ask her out but I eventually did it. Like most teenagers, I faced my fear of rejection and survived. How many shy persons have missed the opportunity to make meaningful relationships because they have difficulty overcoming their fear to approach and make contact with people.
People who are afraid to show and express their true feelings because they fear to disclose themselves are often misunderstood and unhappy. All of us are somewhat afraid to expose ourselves as we really are, without pretence or facade. One way of facing this fear is to take the risk of disclosing a part of our real self to others a little at a time. We have to carry on in spite of our fear because if we allow it to control us, our life can become very miserable. We can become hostage to our fears by putting ourselves in self-imprisonment if we don't confront them.
We are born fearless. We become fearful of something through our unpleasant experience, distorted thinking and inflated ego. I was very fearful of dogs because as a child I was bitten several times by dogs. Today I still won't approach some big dogs without knowing them very well. In the presence of their owners I have learned to feel comfortable with dogs and I take every opportunity to pat them, something which I could not do before. By reprogramming your mind, you can accept your fear and eventually overcome it. I believe you can reprogram the thinking that had been keeping you hostage of your own insecurities and preventing you from experiencing life to its fullest. If from your childhood to adulthood, you've been told repeatedly to be extremely careful, to leave the risks and responsibilities to others and that you can't handle challenges and problems, you might very well be scared of doing many things. The difference between people who are paralyzed and ineffective because of their fears and those who are functional and effective despite their fears is in how they cope with them. The people who succeed in achieving their goals in the end are those who forge ahead in spite of their fears, doubts and worries.
If you have faith in God or in divine presence, your faith acts as an antidote to your fear. When you truly believe that God is always with you, giving you divine guidance, the notion of fear dissipates and eventually vanishes. However, not many people have this kind of faith that can rid them completely of fears. Most of us will continue to experience fear. To achieve our goals we will inevitably have to confront some of the things we fear. One of the best ways to overcome fear is to face it with a positive mental attitude. Fear begins to lose its control over you once you are willing and determined to confront it. Admit your fears to yourself, don't pretend they are not present. You can lessen the grip that a particular fear has on you by disclosing it to others. Bringing your fear out of the dark closet of your mind into the light where it can be seen by yourself and others is an act of courage, acceptance and trust in itself. By revealing your fear to others, you have to be careful not to allow yourself to be hurt by the inappropriate reaction and response of others.
Desensitize your fear by systematically practising relaxation while imagining progressively more frightening aspects of it. If it can be conquered in your imagination, half the battle is won. Imagine the worst-case scenario. Ask yourself how likely is it to happen? If it's not likely to happen there is no point in worrying about it. However if there is a good chance that it may happen, ask yourself what would you do in such eventuality. Once you have visualized what would be the very worst that could happen, you have already begun the process of changing your attitude and of thinking of alternatives and solutions. Start finding ways you might prevent your fear from coming true and improve the situation. Even the worst-case scenario is not as devastating as you might have originally thought. Face your fears and doubts squarely instead of running away from them. There is usually something you can do to confront and overcome even the most frightening circumstances. That is how confident people gain their courage and self-esteem. You cannot always run away from your fears, you must muster the necessary courage to face them some time. Acknowledging your fears and then doing whatever you were afraid of anyway is the giant step you need to take to eradicate them. Commit yourself to overcome your fears and become more than you are at the present time.
Facing your fear can be a long and difficult experience. Don't expect that your fear will disappear easily without a good fight. It needs a lot of effort, willpower, determination, preparation and courage but the payoff is worth the price. If something is troubling and worrying you, take some remedial action to change it. Begin by making a list of your fears and the doubts about your ability to deal with them. Rate each of them in order of severity, for example, 1 being minor fears, 2 being serious fears and 3 being extreme intense fears. Make it your goal to overcome them. Tell yourself that you can do it whenever doubt surfaces. Look for opportunities to confront what you fear. Clear your mind of your worries and doubts by thinking about something positive in the present. Learn the art of focusing your mind on the new pictures of the conditions and circumstances you want. Develop more trust and confidence in your ability to handle whatever comes your way by recalling the times when you did overcome adversities and felt good. Inspire your imagination by visualizing yourself overcoming your fears. A shift to an attitude of trusting and believing in yourself is essential.
You can start gradually or you can dive in the deep end, whatever you feel most comfortable doing. Some of your fears are less daunting than others. You may want to conquer small fears and build your confidence to overcome the greater ones. It may be wise to start with easily attainable goals so as to make success an odds-on favourite. The success and confidence that is gained by overcoming them will boost your self-esteem and morale. The more you stretch your comfort zone, the more confident you become. From my personal experience, the most effective way to turn fear into power is to tackle your biggest fear if you can. This latter option requires a lot more courage and willpower. However, once you succeed, the self-confidence you gain will open lots of other doors that were seemingly closed to you before that courageous event.
As you conquer one fear, you experience that other fears release their hold on you at the same time because they are interrelated. Taking the risk to face your fear in one area can give you the courage to do the same in other realms. You move yourself from a position of helplessness and paralysis to a position of power to choose and act. You become in charge of some aspects of your life which you thought you had no control over. Whichever choice is more appropriate for you, act on it recognizing the fact that there is a price to pay. Be willing to experience some uncomfortable moments and to let go of your ego. By taking the decision to face your fear, you can turn your fear into power. Once you have met fear in one area and overcome it, this exercise of willpower will tend to give you more courage and confidence in other aspects of your life.
Fear of public speaking
One of my biggest fears was public speaking. I was never encouraged at home or at school to speak out. On the contrary, I was laughed at since I did not have the self-confidence to read properly in the classroom. I would be singled out by some of my teachers and asked to stand up in front of the class and read. Of course, I would freeze. I remember feeling terrified and embarrassed by my lack of self-control and confidence during these ordeals.
In university I would hold back on asking questions and clarifications because of my fear of making a fool of myself in front of other people. I was eventually forced to speak in public. There were projects to present in front of my fellow students, lecturers and professors. I had to struggle through these few public speaking ordeals, as I did for my wedding speech! As I progressed in my professional career I realized that I would have to present reports and findings sooner or later. In 1983 while studying the performance of icebreakers in the Beaufort Sea, I faced my fear of public speaking squarely for the first time. I volunteered to present a technical paper on the maneuvering and turning performance of two icebreakers in different thicknesses of level ice of the Beaufort Sea in the Arctic. I knew my subject very well but I was terrified about the public speaking aspect. I practised my oral presentation by myself in my basement at least a dozen times. I presented my speech without the visual slides to my baby and to my wife another five to six times, timing myself and asking for feedback from my patient and understanding wife.
Finally the big day arrived. There were about sixty people in the audience, some very knowledgeable experts in this field. I stood in front of the audience and said to myself: you know your stuff, you have prepared yourself very well, now it is time to give your best shot. To my amazement, a few minutes into my presentation I felt in total control and I was enjoying the feeling. The presentation with the visual slides went very well. In addition, there were a lot of interesting questions asked to which I responded with enthusiasm based on my knowledge and first hand experience. At the end of the presentation, I got big applause and good feedback. A lot of my colleagues and people in the audience came up to me to give me a pat on the shoulder and to congratulate me. That day I overcame my terrifying fear of public speaking. Don't get me wrong, I do not claim to be a great public speaker. I still have some butterflies in my stomach whenever I have to stand up in front of an audience but I don't let the anxiety paralyze me anymore. The feeling of accomplishment, of courage and of power over my fear is a tremendous boost to my self-confidence and self-esteem. I have since joined the Toastmaster International Club in my area to improve my oral presentation skills.
Not that I'm an expert in effective public speaking, but here are some practical suggestions:
· Be prepared. Know what you wish to say.
· Keep your speech frank, short and to the point.
· Use appropriate choice of words.
· Make good use of gestures, smiles and facial expressions.
· Assume the posture of a master performer; corresponding inner feelings will follow.
· Convey enthusiasm, sincerity and confidence through your tone of voice.
· Figure out what it is you fear the most. Visualize it happening and see yourself dealing with it comfortably.
· Visualize your whole performance. Make your expectations more realistic and positive. Expect to meet it.
· Practise your speech. Rehearse it with all the feeling and conviction you command.
· Join the Toastmasters International club in your area.
Whatever your goals in life may be, your success depends on your ability to communicate. By joining a Toastmasters club, you embark on a program that will multiply your communication and leadership skills. I assure you it will be one of the best decisions you can make with respect to overcoming your fear of public speaking.
Extract from my book: Become your best.
www.kintue-fee.com
Fear is a behavior dominated by an impression of unpleasant emotions, accompanied by reactions of the sympathetic nervous system giving rise to the desire for flight, trembling fits, mental paralysis, and physical inability to take instant action. Fear is acquired from unpleasant and frightening experiences. Fear can also protect us from dangerous situations. Most people have some kind of fear: fear of losing the important things in life, fear of pain, fear of loneliness, fear of making the wrong decisions, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of the unknown, fear of animals, fear of death, fear of public speaking, fear of rejection, fear of heights, fear of loss of liberty. The fear of losing our family, friends, jobs or possessions drives some of us to cling to them so desperately that it can make the situation even worse.
In our materialistic society and this economic downturn, one of the most common fears is that of poverty; of being unemployed, of not earning enough money to provide for oneself and our family, and of being financially dependent on others in our old age. Fear of failure predisposes most people not to attempt any venture that carries an element of risk. Fear of loneliness and isolation sometimes make people stay in relationships where they are abused and exploited. Fear of making wrong decisions keeps us from moving ahead with our lives. People fear death not because there is no escape from it but more because they don't know what lies ahead after death, if anything.
Fear of rejection makes us reluctant to invite new acquaintances to go out or to ask for help from people we don't know even when we desperately need it. Do you remember looking for dates in your teenage years? I remember agonizing about how best to invite a girl friend to a dancing party. Do I phone her or invite her face to face? I was very scared of being rejected and also a bit excited at the possibility of her accepting the invitation. It took a lot of courage and risk taking to ask her out but I eventually did it. Like most teenagers, I faced my fear of rejection and survived. How many shy persons have missed the opportunity to make meaningful relationships because they have difficulty overcoming their fear to approach and make contact with people.
People who are afraid to show and express their true feelings because they fear to disclose themselves are often misunderstood and unhappy. All of us are somewhat afraid to expose ourselves as we really are, without pretence or facade. One way of facing this fear is to take the risk of disclosing a part of our real self to others a little at a time. We have to carry on in spite of our fear because if we allow it to control us, our life can become very miserable. We can become hostage to our fears by putting ourselves in self-imprisonment if we don't confront them.
We are born fearless. We become fearful of something through our unpleasant experience, distorted thinking and inflated ego. I was very fearful of dogs because as a child I was bitten several times by dogs. Today I still won't approach some big dogs without knowing them very well. In the presence of their owners I have learned to feel comfortable with dogs and I take every opportunity to pat them, something which I could not do before. By reprogramming your mind, you can accept your fear and eventually overcome it. I believe you can reprogram the thinking that had been keeping you hostage of your own insecurities and preventing you from experiencing life to its fullest. If from your childhood to adulthood, you've been told repeatedly to be extremely careful, to leave the risks and responsibilities to others and that you can't handle challenges and problems, you might very well be scared of doing many things. The difference between people who are paralyzed and ineffective because of their fears and those who are functional and effective despite their fears is in how they cope with them. The people who succeed in achieving their goals in the end are those who forge ahead in spite of their fears, doubts and worries.
If you have faith in God or in divine presence, your faith acts as an antidote to your fear. When you truly believe that God is always with you, giving you divine guidance, the notion of fear dissipates and eventually vanishes. However, not many people have this kind of faith that can rid them completely of fears. Most of us will continue to experience fear. To achieve our goals we will inevitably have to confront some of the things we fear. One of the best ways to overcome fear is to face it with a positive mental attitude. Fear begins to lose its control over you once you are willing and determined to confront it. Admit your fears to yourself, don't pretend they are not present. You can lessen the grip that a particular fear has on you by disclosing it to others. Bringing your fear out of the dark closet of your mind into the light where it can be seen by yourself and others is an act of courage, acceptance and trust in itself. By revealing your fear to others, you have to be careful not to allow yourself to be hurt by the inappropriate reaction and response of others.
Desensitize your fear by systematically practising relaxation while imagining progressively more frightening aspects of it. If it can be conquered in your imagination, half the battle is won. Imagine the worst-case scenario. Ask yourself how likely is it to happen? If it's not likely to happen there is no point in worrying about it. However if there is a good chance that it may happen, ask yourself what would you do in such eventuality. Once you have visualized what would be the very worst that could happen, you have already begun the process of changing your attitude and of thinking of alternatives and solutions. Start finding ways you might prevent your fear from coming true and improve the situation. Even the worst-case scenario is not as devastating as you might have originally thought. Face your fears and doubts squarely instead of running away from them. There is usually something you can do to confront and overcome even the most frightening circumstances. That is how confident people gain their courage and self-esteem. You cannot always run away from your fears, you must muster the necessary courage to face them some time. Acknowledging your fears and then doing whatever you were afraid of anyway is the giant step you need to take to eradicate them. Commit yourself to overcome your fears and become more than you are at the present time.
Facing your fear can be a long and difficult experience. Don't expect that your fear will disappear easily without a good fight. It needs a lot of effort, willpower, determination, preparation and courage but the payoff is worth the price. If something is troubling and worrying you, take some remedial action to change it. Begin by making a list of your fears and the doubts about your ability to deal with them. Rate each of them in order of severity, for example, 1 being minor fears, 2 being serious fears and 3 being extreme intense fears. Make it your goal to overcome them. Tell yourself that you can do it whenever doubt surfaces. Look for opportunities to confront what you fear. Clear your mind of your worries and doubts by thinking about something positive in the present. Learn the art of focusing your mind on the new pictures of the conditions and circumstances you want. Develop more trust and confidence in your ability to handle whatever comes your way by recalling the times when you did overcome adversities and felt good. Inspire your imagination by visualizing yourself overcoming your fears. A shift to an attitude of trusting and believing in yourself is essential.
You can start gradually or you can dive in the deep end, whatever you feel most comfortable doing. Some of your fears are less daunting than others. You may want to conquer small fears and build your confidence to overcome the greater ones. It may be wise to start with easily attainable goals so as to make success an odds-on favourite. The success and confidence that is gained by overcoming them will boost your self-esteem and morale. The more you stretch your comfort zone, the more confident you become. From my personal experience, the most effective way to turn fear into power is to tackle your biggest fear if you can. This latter option requires a lot more courage and willpower. However, once you succeed, the self-confidence you gain will open lots of other doors that were seemingly closed to you before that courageous event.
As you conquer one fear, you experience that other fears release their hold on you at the same time because they are interrelated. Taking the risk to face your fear in one area can give you the courage to do the same in other realms. You move yourself from a position of helplessness and paralysis to a position of power to choose and act. You become in charge of some aspects of your life which you thought you had no control over. Whichever choice is more appropriate for you, act on it recognizing the fact that there is a price to pay. Be willing to experience some uncomfortable moments and to let go of your ego. By taking the decision to face your fear, you can turn your fear into power. Once you have met fear in one area and overcome it, this exercise of willpower will tend to give you more courage and confidence in other aspects of your life.
Fear of public speaking
One of my biggest fears was public speaking. I was never encouraged at home or at school to speak out. On the contrary, I was laughed at since I did not have the self-confidence to read properly in the classroom. I would be singled out by some of my teachers and asked to stand up in front of the class and read. Of course, I would freeze. I remember feeling terrified and embarrassed by my lack of self-control and confidence during these ordeals.
In university I would hold back on asking questions and clarifications because of my fear of making a fool of myself in front of other people. I was eventually forced to speak in public. There were projects to present in front of my fellow students, lecturers and professors. I had to struggle through these few public speaking ordeals, as I did for my wedding speech! As I progressed in my professional career I realized that I would have to present reports and findings sooner or later. In 1983 while studying the performance of icebreakers in the Beaufort Sea, I faced my fear of public speaking squarely for the first time. I volunteered to present a technical paper on the maneuvering and turning performance of two icebreakers in different thicknesses of level ice of the Beaufort Sea in the Arctic. I knew my subject very well but I was terrified about the public speaking aspect. I practised my oral presentation by myself in my basement at least a dozen times. I presented my speech without the visual slides to my baby and to my wife another five to six times, timing myself and asking for feedback from my patient and understanding wife.
Finally the big day arrived. There were about sixty people in the audience, some very knowledgeable experts in this field. I stood in front of the audience and said to myself: you know your stuff, you have prepared yourself very well, now it is time to give your best shot. To my amazement, a few minutes into my presentation I felt in total control and I was enjoying the feeling. The presentation with the visual slides went very well. In addition, there were a lot of interesting questions asked to which I responded with enthusiasm based on my knowledge and first hand experience. At the end of the presentation, I got big applause and good feedback. A lot of my colleagues and people in the audience came up to me to give me a pat on the shoulder and to congratulate me. That day I overcame my terrifying fear of public speaking. Don't get me wrong, I do not claim to be a great public speaker. I still have some butterflies in my stomach whenever I have to stand up in front of an audience but I don't let the anxiety paralyze me anymore. The feeling of accomplishment, of courage and of power over my fear is a tremendous boost to my self-confidence and self-esteem. I have since joined the Toastmaster International Club in my area to improve my oral presentation skills.
Not that I'm an expert in effective public speaking, but here are some practical suggestions:
· Be prepared. Know what you wish to say.
· Keep your speech frank, short and to the point.
· Use appropriate choice of words.
· Make good use of gestures, smiles and facial expressions.
· Assume the posture of a master performer; corresponding inner feelings will follow.
· Convey enthusiasm, sincerity and confidence through your tone of voice.
· Figure out what it is you fear the most. Visualize it happening and see yourself dealing with it comfortably.
· Visualize your whole performance. Make your expectations more realistic and positive. Expect to meet it.
· Practise your speech. Rehearse it with all the feeling and conviction you command.
· Join the Toastmasters International club in your area.
Whatever your goals in life may be, your success depends on your ability to communicate. By joining a Toastmasters club, you embark on a program that will multiply your communication and leadership skills. I assure you it will be one of the best decisions you can make with respect to overcoming your fear of public speaking.
Extract from my book: Become your best.
www.kintue-fee.com
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