Hawaiian Teachings of Ho’oponopono

I bet most of you haven’t heard of Ho’oponopono. I did not learn about it myself until I attended a workshop in Cape Town, South Africa on February 2014. What is Ho’oponopono? It is a traditional spiritual Hawaiian healing process of letting go of toxic energies and memories within you to allow the impact of divine thoughts, words, deeds and actions. It a healing and cleansing process that removes the mental obstacles that block your path, freeing your mind to find new and inspirational ways to get what you want out of life.

In his best-selling book, ZERO LIMITS, Joe Vitale told the story of Dr. Hew Len, the master teacher of modern Ho’oponopono. More than thirty years ago in Hawaii, at the Hawaii State Hospital, there was a special ward, a clinic for the mentally ill criminals. The officials of this ward sought out Dr. Hew Len to assist in the rehabilitation of these criminals and violent offenders. Dr. Hew Len agreed, and asked for the files of about a dozen of the most uncooperative and violent criminals in this particular ward. Without seeing any of the offenders, I started to cleanse himself and to pray for the dozen criminals, using only four powerful phrases: I am sorry; Please forgive me; I love you; and Thank you.

After a few weeks, the officials started to see some positive changes in the offenders assigned to Dr. Hew Len. After several months, some of them made so much progress that they were released. He took on more files of other criminals. Dr. Hew Len worked there close to four years. In the end, there remained only a couple of inmates that were relocated somewhere else and the clinic for the mentally insane criminals had to close.

I have personally used the teachings of Ho’oponopono. I cleanse myself constantly by repeating: I love you; Please forgive me; I am sorry; and Thank you to myself whenever I can.  By the way, you can say these four phrases in any order that make sense to you. The result after about a year is that I am experiencing more peace of mind, contentment, health and wealth. This is the most worthwhile thing that I have done for my wellbeing for a long time. It is the best advice I have to share with you at this time. Check it out for yourself, and discover the amazing power of this ancient Hawaiian spiritual teachings.

What is the best teaching/principle you have implemented successfully in your life? Please share it with us so that we all can benefit.

www.kintue-fee.com

The illusion of control in relationships

The desire to control our relationships occurs in everyone’s life with varying degree and intensity. Not only do we want to control our life, sometimes we also want to control the behaviours of others. So often when we choose relationships, we try to fit another person into our predetermined ideal. We think we can change or “fix” others. Well, we really can’t. At best we can only change ourselves.




Some people mistake the control over one’s own destiny and the destiny of others as being a necessary condition for ensuring their happiness and contentment. These people tend to be control freaks. They want to control everything, and in so doing they drive you crazy. They can be an overbearing father, an overprotective mother, an autocratic boss, a manipulative friend, or a jealous spouse. These are people who want to change you and your behaviours. They want to tell you what to do, and if they could they would run your life.




We all have some tendency to influence others so that they will see things from our point of view. Everything is fine when people agree with us, and when our values and beliefs systems coincide. Once there is difference of opinions and conflicts, the relationship is in distress. It’s much more difficult to have the habit of putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes. To have healthy interactions, we need to develop relationships based on mutual love and trust. When there is disagreement, try to find a win-win solution.




Learn when to combat the control that others want to impose on you, and when to accommodate them to create respectful and trustful relationships. Be assertive and don’t let control freaks dominate or victimize you. At the same time, be flexible, think in terms of preference rather than in terms of must have or must be like that. Accept and embrace your healthy relationships without preconceived ideas and conditions.



How are you doing in your relationships? Do you think you are in control of your relationships?


http://www.kintue-fee.com/

BECOME WHO YOU WANT TO BE

Even though life can be difficult and complex, effective people strive to be their best selves most of the time each day. There are no formulas and no easy answers for everything in life. You simply can’t go through life without failures and disappointments. You can’t invest in relationships and think that you will never get hurt, have misgivings, or make mistakes. This is part of the process of growing, learning, caring, letting people be and leading a steady and purposeful life. You are the sum total of your experiences up to now. As your experiences multiply with time, you grow and become a different and, hopefully, wiser person. Your perspective will change over the years.

Are you ready to live the life you’ve always dreamed of? If your answer is yes, read my book, BECOME YOUR BEST. Take responsibility for your life and apply the principles and techniques outlined in this book. BECOME YOUR BEST draws from my experience and those of other experts, providing a practical and effective approach to living a more meaningful and fulfilling life. No matter where you’re starting from, you can work at creating a life that you truly love. Consider the possibility of living a fully integrated life – physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, financially and spiritually.

If you want to lead a meaningful, purposeful and fulfilled life, you need to make wise choices. Your choices cause results. You reap what you sow; you can make better choices and have better results. For example, if you want to become a better public speaker, then you could choose to join a Toastmaster club near your city. All these choices need you to take decisive actions. They take efforts and commitment on your part. I know that only about 5% to 10% of the readers of this book will actually check out Toastmasters International. The other 90% to 95% people will find some excuses for not being able to do so. Instead of giving up, you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, and something to inspire you. It is only through perseverance and some sacrifice that effective people succeed in life. Be one of them, and become who you want to be.

            On your way to becoming who you want to be, ensure that you are in alignment with your core beliefs and values. Do your best to live with integrity, and to live an authentic and purposeful life.

Excerpt from my book, BECOME YOUR BEST.

www.kintue-fee.com

Why I published two books in 2014

I published two of my books in 2014. Notice that I did not say I wrote two books in 2014. Recently I completely updated my bestseller: Become your Best. In addition, I also got it translated into French: Realisez votre plein potentiel.

In March 2014, I self-published them in Mauritius. Why were they printed and published in Mauritius. Well, because I have a very good friend who has a good printing business in Mauritrius. Through my contacts, I had a lot of publicity in the newspapers and on radio in Mauritius. Become your Best was already a bestseller in Mauritius after it was first published in 1997. As most people in Mauritius speak French, I was advised to translate my book. It took me over sixteen years until my recent retirement to finally embark on my book translation project. Realisez votre plein potentiel is selling very well and is also projected to become a bestseller in Mauritius too.

Why did I write and translate my book? For the simple reason that I needed to learn and research the principles of personal management and development for myself all these years ago. It took me eight years from my first writing to publishing it in 1997. To date, I have not seen a book which has as much practical and useful advice, techniques and strategies on how to make the most of your life as my book: Become your Best. That's why I updated it and published it again in March 2014.

These two books and my third book, Putting People First, are available in Mauritius at BookCourt and Le Cygne. You can also purchase them from me directly:  http://www.kintue-fee.com

Seek and find your purpose in life

Most people have not spend enough time to seek and find their purpose in life. The majority of people in the world are still surviving and struggling to make a living. Most of them don’t have the luxury of thinking about their purpose in life. It seems to them that their purpose in life is simply to put food on the table and make sure there is a shelter above their heads.

For those of you who have fulfilled all your survival needs, you are most probably seeking to lead a meaningful, purposeful and fulfilling life. Have you find your purpose in life?

First of all, what do we mean when we talk about our purpose in life? Purpose in life is basically the intrinsic desire in people to have a positive impact on themselves and circle of influence, and to share their values and passion with others. Everybody has a universal need for purpose, a sense of accomplishment and happiness in their  relationships, workplaces and life. 

So how can you seek and find your purpose in life? Firstly, start by making a full inventory of all the assets you possess, not just financial assets. Determine what are your strengths, skills and talents. Know who your loved ones, friends and network of contacts are, and who you can count on. Determine what really matters for you i.e. your top priorities and passion.

Secondly, know what a meaning, purposeful and fulfilled life would look and feel like at the end of your life. You can visualize yourself at your eightieth birthday. All your loved ones and friends have gathered together to celebrate your birthday. Imagine your partner in life speaking to the gathering and telling everybody how you are as a partner. Similarly imagine what your son or daughter, best friend, ex-boss, neighbour, and someone your have helped would say about you at that occasion. Of course, you have to feel tears of joy in your eyes and happiness in your heart from what you imagine hearing from all these people. If you write it all down, you would certainly know what your core values are.

By knowing all your assets, priorities, passion, and core beliefs and values, you can then formulate your mission statement and purpose in life.

My purpose in life is to become my best in all aspects of my life in order to help out my loved ones and circle of influence with love and gratitude, without imposing my views and beliefs on them.

Have you determine your purpose in life? How did you seek and find it? Would you like to share your purpose in life with us?

www.kintue-fee.com

Develop your self-confidence

            We all have confidence. It is just a question of cultivating it and nurturing it. If you grow up in a home where praise, encouragement and caring are the rule, then you are more likely to have confidence in yourself. Confidence is a measure of a person's self-assuredness. It springs from self-esteem, knowledge, ability, skills, discipline, tenacity and perseverance. It does not mean boosting or bragging or being arrogant. Self-confidence is the calm conviction that you can achieve whatever you set out to do. It does not mean that you need to know everything and be capable of doing it all by yourself. Developing self-confidence means adopting good practices in thinking, speaking and behaving. It is strongly reinforced by a sense of achievement and by positive feedback from others. You develop confidence by setting a goal and achieving it, and by making a promise and keeping it, one at a time. You build self-confidence by having the ability to set and achieve meaningful goals, by fulfilling your needs, by keeping your promises, by acting with integrity and courage.

            Like most people, you have some self-doubts about your capabilities and potential. In the past, you made mistakes, had failure and rejection, and did not live up to your expectations. Don't let these shortcomings erode your confidence. You can rebuild your self-confidence by putting power in your commitment and focusing your mental energy on your immediate goal. If you don't have confidence in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to have confidence in you. If you lose confidence in yourself eventually others lose their confidence in you too. You hold certain values, beliefs and principles to which you are committed. As a result, you have an inner purpose around which you make your decisions. You need to become a person with integrity and conviction who can make courageous decisions to change your life for the better. Confidence in yourself gives you the strength to make good ethical decisions despite pressure to act otherwise. It is very easy to give up but it takes courage and strength to be caring and yet firm, and to do what you know you ought to do. As you look toward the decisions you would like to make to change your life, have the confidence and the courage to act on them.

            There are two powerful concepts: Faith and Fear. If you have faith in yourself, in your abilities and in your future then you also have self-confidence and courage. It is essential that you have faith in your resourcefulness to do whatever you need to do. You may not know how to replace your car brakes, but you know a good mechanic or garage service. You may not know how to resolve an issue at work, but you are confident that you can get some smart assistance from your mentor or members of your network. You may not know how you are going to cope with the recent news of your cancer, but you have faith that you will survive it with God’s grace and positive mental attitude.

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase”.

-          Martin Luther King

            If you allow fear to creep in your life, the fear you can’t do something can wipe out your faith and self-confidence. The reason so many people are not confident in themselves is that it hurts to keep on trying when their efforts always seem to fail. The fear of failure sets in. Acknowledge and accept your fears rather than ignore or deny them. To build self-confidence, you need to be willing to push through the discomforting barriers and to act despite your feelings. It is through the experience of overcoming your fears that you will make the most strides in enhancing your self-confidence.

            The act of striving and persevering in face of obstacles provides a sense of satisfaction and pride that promotes confidence. It takes strength and endurance to keep on trying and doing what you know you ought to do when the going is rough. It's much easier to give up and quit. During your period of weakness, self-defeating behaviors and negative self-talk can come back to haunt you. Don't replay the memories of past failures, disappointments and mistakes. It robs you of your self-confidence. Recognize that we all experienced failures at one time or another, even the most successful people. You can expect problems, setbacks and changes in circumstances, but you don't have to agonize over them and live in fear of them. When changes happen, look for what else is possible and choose the most viable alternatives. View the obstacles as opportunities from which to learn and grow rather than events to be feared. Have faith in yourself. It frees your mind from the self imposed limitations of doubt, fear and discouragement. Faith provides you with the courage, inspiration and self-reliance you need to live life purposefully. Give yourself permission to take reasonable risks and accept responsibility for mistakes. Start taking small calculated risks and venturing occasionally into the unknown. Be alert and prepared for head-on encounters. It's by striving to overcome obstacles as they arise that you build your self-confidence. Fear or faith, failure or success, you have to choose which path you want to follow. Never allow fear to rule your life, always have faith in yourself. Acting with confidence can break vicious cycles of fear. This can be a hard inner struggle but if you follow the principles outlined in this book, you will come out a winner.

            Be humble in the presence of superior knowledge and intellect, be willing to learn by asking questions. Look for and associate with positive and confident people. It is very empowering to have the support and energy of understanding and motivated friends. You can have a positive influence in each others' process of growing and confidence building. Keep visualizing your best moments, the times when you conquered fear, were totally confident, and felt successful. No matter how few these good moments were, don't let them die. By remembering these moments of triumphs you slowly build your own self-confidence. Trust the worth you have placed upon yourself. The confidence other people have in you reinforces your confidence in yourself. Confidence breeds more confidence. You then have the courage to take more challenges and make major decisions in your life. You can start to stretch your capabilities and your comfort zone. When you take charge of your life through choices and decisions, you receive powerful boosts to your self-esteem and self-confidence. Making a decision and implementing it builds confidence.

            Try to express your courage and confidence not because you have no fear, but in spite of your fear. Even when you don't really feel confident, act as if you have confidence. When you act despite uncertainty and lack of confidence, you reinforce risk-taking and perseverance. Have the courage to decide what you want to do about your life. Have the ability to overcome the obstacles facing you and move ahead to something better. Be assertive when interacting with other people. Don't say anything that would be contrary to your true intentions. You do not need to be aggressive to assert yourself. It has been shown that assertive behavior is very effective when accompanied by a smile.

             A lively and positive faith is extremely important for a happy and serene existence. Faith is belief that help is forthcoming when it is needed. It is belief in guidance in time of perplexity and in courage when pain and suffering strike. Have the attitude and conviction that for everything lost there is something to be gained. Confident people are strong enough to admit their mistakes and to be honest. By your courage, openness and honesty, you will experience rewarding relationships, personal growth and happiness as well as some pains. By building your confidence you become less afraid of fear, of emotional pain, of taking risks and of making mistakes. As you find the courage to be honest and to open yourself to others you start to respect yourself and others as fellow human beings. Your life unfolds and develops based on the confidence you place in yourself and in all that you do. Become aware that you are able to develop your self-confidence.

Now it's your turn to share how you develop your confidence.

Excerpt from my book: BECOME YOUR BEST

http://kintue-fee.com

            

Make your money work for you.

Yes, we may need to work sometimes 40 to 60 hours a week for our own and family needs. However, you will rarely become financially independent or wealthy by exchanging your time for money. You need to live within your means, and save and invest some of your money. This is how you are going to get ahead financially.

Once you have paid your debts and have some money in the bank for emergencies, you invest the rest of your money. You need to educate yourself on the best investments available for you. Or you may ask advice from a good financial advisor. There are bank savings, GICs, bonds, mutual funds, stocks, precious metals, real estates and others. Depending on your situation and risk tolerance, you can choose what types of savings and investments that are more appropriate for you. Then watch you money works for you and your financial assets grow.

Please share what investments have worked best for you.

http://kintue-fee.com

GET HIRED IN THE COMPETITIVE JOB MARKET

            One of the most important decision you will make in your adult life is choosing a job that meet your interests and expectations. You need to know what you like to do, what your interests are and what skills and knowledge you have. The art of finding a job is knowing how to sell yourself by using what you have to your best advantage.

            During the last decade, the job market has changed radically. On one hand, people are not content to stick to a job for a long time and are moving around from job to job. On the other hand, organizations are always reengineering and as a consequence there are more people being laid off. By now, most of us realize that a cradle-to-grave job is out the window along with regular raises. Approximately one quarter to one third of all jobs are in transition. The average worker can expect to change jobs six to ten times and careers two to four times. It seems that jobs are disappearing faster than new jobs are being created. There may be a shortage of jobs, but there is always an abundance of work to be done and therefore lots of opportunities. Although the unemployment rate is relatively high, there is still plenty of opportunities for people with the right attitude, entrepreneurial spirit and the willingness to contribute to get hired. If your job isn’t giving you the satisfaction you are looking for, it’s time to invest a few hours reflecting on what would bring you more fulfillment. Even if you are comfortable with your work, when an opportunity presents itself you could still move on to do something even more interesting and challenging. Look for opportunities and take them as they arise.

            In planning your career, you need to have a clear idea of the sort of job you would like to do. Do you like to use your hands to make things? Are you a self-starter with lots of initiatives and enterpreneurial spirit? Do you like to work with people? Do you like investigative work and to deliver high quality products? Whatever your preference, you need to know it. If you have difficulty in making decisions about your career choice, talk to a friend, spouse, mentor or career counselor. Find out what the growth industries are out there. Presently, there is a great demand for nurses and post traumatic stress counselors in North America. Technology and computer companies are still growing and hiring. If you are interested in a career in technology for example, use every opportunity to build a foundation to make your way in the technology-infused world.

            Set realistic targets and work toward them with a positive attitude, discipline and enthusiasm. As you get to know more about your job and gain experience, you can begin to plan further ahead. In your early years, you must be prepared to move around to learn and gain experience, as well as to take more than you think you can handle. Be prepared to change your plans if necessary and be flexible in your attitude. Gain confidence by doing your work, whatever it is, to the best of your ability and believe in yourself. Your perseverance in looking for the right job and determination to keep going until you achieve your goal will make the difference between finding a job or not.

            More and more organizations are looking for the right people at the right time with the right skills and right culture fit. Nowadays, organizations are likely to base hiring decisions more on skills than on past job titles. Many technical skills become obsolete with progress in technology. Organizations of the future will need people with generalist skills. Employers are seeking people with the following generic skills:

• the ability to take responsibility;
• the ability to communicate and to manage information;
• the ability to learn continuously and think critically;
• the ability to solve problems analytically and make decisions;
• the ability to direct teams, motivate others and meet objectives;
• the ability to work on a team to plan and accomplish goals;
• the ability to design, plan, research and investigate;
• the ability to set priorities and meet deadlines;

            Employers are seeking people with the following qualities:

• positive attitude;
• self-confidence;
• willingness to accept challenges;
• adaptability and flexibility;

            In short it is very competitive out there and you need to sharpen your skills, competencies and qualities to market yourself and get hired. It is important that you ask yourself if you are achieving the goals you really want and if you are doing the things necessary to become your best in your chosen profession. Self-analysis is needed on a regular basis to evaluate whether your performance and skills measure up to your own standard and the organization’s needs. The core competencies that are always in demand include such skills as leadership, communication, problem-solving, analytical and strategic thinking, negotiating, planning and organizing. Being competent is more than simply acquiring a skill, knowledge or experience, it is using and applying them in your workplace to your advantage in order to meet your business needs. You have to develop the creative thinking ability to see the desired goal and plot a course to get from here to there. Strength in these core competencies gives you an edge over competitors and makes you a desirable asset for any organization.

            Before you can gain experience and have a chance to contribute in a job, you have to get one first. This takes time, energy and perseverance, but there are techniques and strategies that can give you a head start. The following list of suggestions may be useful if you are looking for a job.

1. Set your job targets. Determine and specify what types of jobs you want and the salary you expect to earn. List your most important job target criteria: what you need and what you want. Be realistic and stay flexible. Formulate your job targets to take advantage of your skills, past experience and qualities.
2. Have an action plan. Make a list of companies you are interested in and any other potential employers. Make a list of contacts and network effectively. Establish a job search routine. Make a schedule of tasks: phoning contacts to establish leads only, not to ask for jobs.
3. Track down job leads. Track down all job leads that are of interest to you or have potential. The more obvious ones are: career section in newspapers, magazines, personnel agencies and recruiters. The best sources of job leads are friends, colleagues, ex-colleagues and relatives. 
4. Prepare yourself well. Research the field and companies you are targeting thoroughly using libraries and other available resources. Classify your job target criteria into requirement and preference. Prepare and update your résumé. Practise your job hunting techniques with the companies at the bottom of your preference list. This gives you an opportunity to sharpen your skills on the job leads that you are least interested in. If you succeed in getting a job right away, you may consider it as a temporary job until you get a better one.
5. Focus your effort on your best prospects. Customize your résumé for the job leads that interest you most. Make it appealing to your potential employers by showing you in the best possible light. Ask a competent person to evaluate it for objectivity. Emphasize your education, strengths, accomplishments and work experience that you anticipate they are looking for. Find out who is the person who has the authority to make you an offer. Send your résumé directly to him or her with a copy to the personnel manager. Get as many interviews as you can.
6. Develop the ability to sell yourself. Know your strengths and weaknesses. A positive attitude, enthusiasm and resourcefulness are good selling points in the job stakes. Relate your qualifications, experience, skills and qualities to the needs and relevance of your potential employers. Put yourself in the shoes of the employer looking to fill a job.
7. Prepare yourself for the interviews. Research and learn as much about your potential employers including their products and services, their strengths and weaknesses, and their needs and expectations. Prepare yourself for interviews by rehearsing some specific questions you are likely to be asked. Anticipate the needs of your potential employer and be prepared to relate your strengths, skills, accomplishments and experience to their needs and expectations. Have a list of carefully chosen references available if asked.
8. Sell yourself at the interview. Win the interview performance by selling yourself. Create an immediate rapport and connection with the interviewer(s) by providing good first impressions like a firm handshake, making eye contact when speaking and listening, and appearing relaxed and confident. The easiest way to sell yourself is to convey your passion for what you do. Highlight your experience, skills, strengths and accomplishments that are important to the interviewer(s). Convince your interviewer(s) that you can and are willing to do the job, and can fit in with the company’s organization and their corporate culture.
9. Believe in yourself. Whatever the outcome of the interview, have faith and confidence that you will get hired and achieve what you want. If you have a disappointment, try to keep up your morale and spirit. Ask for some constructive feedback and keep going. Never give up. There is nothing to it but to do it, one contact at a time, one interview at a time. If you are made an offer, negotiate for your needs and requirements, again be reasonable and flexible. Accept or refuse any offer gracefully and respectfully in writing. Do not burn any bridges.

            Looking for a job is a tough and stressful commitment. To be successful in today’s competitive job market, you need to think of yourself as a small business owner who is offering your core competencies and skills. Identify your potential employers and develop an effective business and marketing plan to sell your knowledge and services. Employers are seeking individuals who can be part of their solution and contribute their bottom line. You must be able to convince them that you can add value to their business. Look constantly for ways of matching your skills to solve the employer’s problems. View yourself as a solution-oriented entrepreneur by stating clearly what you can do to assist each potential employer. Your success depends on your ability to understand the employer’s wants and needs and convince him or her that you will be an asset who can fill the needs.

            Your communication skills and your social intelligence determine your ability to communicate your competencies and sell your services, and persuade the potential employer to hire you. The advice outlined above have been used successfully in the past by myself and others. Depending on your own circumstances, you have to determine whether they are applicable to you and put them into practice accordingly. Incorporate some of the best job-hunting advice and suggestions in your own present situation. Good luck!

Kin Tue-Fee

Excerpt from my book: BECOME YOUR BEST.  www.kintue-fee.com

Marriage Solution

Marriage Solution

There is no simple “formula” to a perfect marriage. Over the years, there are some trends and principles that can help us better understand what sets a loving and sustainable marriage apart from one that ends in separation or divorce. Positive and life-affirming relationships bring great pleasure, but unhealthy relationships can bring deep pain and sorrow. In order to make your marriage last and thrive, you need to ensure that mutual respect, honesty, trust and love are always present in your partnership.  You need to show respect no matter what. Even in the heat of an argument, there should still be respect for partner. Don’t insult or degrade him or her. You have made a vow to support and love her in good and bad times. So practice your lifetime vows every day. Express grace and forgiveness after a heated argument and dispute.  Reaffirm your love, and praise your mate’s strengths. Use words of affirmation to describe your mate to others. The more you and your partner focus on positive and successful common goals and grounds that you have achieved in your partnership so far, the more likely you’ll be happy in your relationship.

It’s very important to understand the needs and wants of your partner. Most people have the same basic needs to be valued, respected and loved. For most women, they need to be listened to, cared for, and made to feel attractive and wanted. For most men, they need to feel that they are the leader of the household, and the provider and protector of the family. Obviously, they need the full support of their mate to assume this role. In order to understand and know the specific needs and wants of your partner in life, you have to ask him or her. There is no other way. Therefore, open and honest communication is essential. Poor communication leads to unhappy couples more than almost anything else.

Bring your partner little gifts from time to time for no reason except that you love and are thinking of him or her. Respond romantically to your partner’s advances as much as possible. Regardless of age, sex is very important in a successful marriage.  It may take different forms, and happens at different frequency. Talking openly about sex and finding a middle ground with regard to frequency is important for overall sexual and relationship satisfaction. Couples need to learn how to communicate about their sexual needs or their reasons for not wanting sex. The occasional headaches are normal, if they are real. Touch your partner often, whether it’s a kiss, holding hands or a hug. Another thing that works wonders for your sexual relationship is to do acts of service for your mate. Contribute happily to the household chores. Very simple thing like vacuuming the carpets is great, if you don’t usually do it. Preparing a nice breakfast for your partner and bringing it to bed on a Sunday morning is another good thing to do. Give your mate a relaxing and soothing massage when your partner is really physically tired. Your reward could blow your mind!

Discuss your financial issues in an open and honest fashion. Ensure that you both spend money and the family budget responsibly. Most importantly, inject and embrace fun and friendship in your couple’s relationship. Have fun and enjoyment together by going out for a dinner, a movie, on a weekend trip, on a week vacation, or a ten day cruise. Have quality time together whenever you can, not only on special occasions. In addition, maintain strong friendships outside your relationship. Various surveys show that happy couples have numerous friends and hobbies outside the relationship. They love to try new things on a regular basis, and have fun with their friends. The correlation between fun and marital happiness is high and very significant.

            On the other hand, there are things to be avoided like a plague if you want your marriage to succeed and thrive.  You should stop trying to change your partner to your liking. It’s mission impossible, and your marriage may well end in divorce. Stop nagging your mate constantly. Instead, talk openly and respectfully about your issues and disagreements. Don’t expect your partner to be able to read your mind. You need to speak up, but that does not mean harping on pointless issues or revisiting old resolved problems. You can debate and share your views, but never disrespect or insult your mate, especially in front of your children, loved ones or friends. Don’t focus only on your own interests and avoid doing things that your mate loves to do.  Stop drowning in suspicion and jealousy, you need to trust your partner in life otherwise the relationship is going nowhere. Stop clinging on to unrealistic expectations, obsessing about the past, or worrying about future problems. Never tolerate your partner’s compulsions and addictions.

            Of course, putting all the above into practice does not guarantee a successful and loving marriage. However you’ll have a much better chance of success for a lasting marriage solution. Take time to evaluate your relationship progress as a couple. Through dialogue and open communication, prevent, identify and resolve issues before they grow into huge problems. Work as a partnership to resolve the issues and problems.  Focus on the problems, not on your partner. Try to put emotions to the side. However, if the discussions get heated and tempers rise, be carefully not to take the insults personally. Have the grace to forget your loved mate for words said in the heat of the moment. On the other hand, if you insulted your mate, be strong enough to apologize and ask for forgiveness.

            Egos are hurt in heated discussions and disagreements. There will be inevitable frustrations and hurts. In some cases, it’s reasonable to give up on the discussions until you are both calmer and less exhausted. Understand the love languages and gifts that your mate enjoys the most. In these occasions, it would be good to make use them in the most effective way you can. The bottom line is there still need to be the existence of mutual respect, honesty, trust and love between you two.  In brief, this is the “science” behind a solid and fulfilled marriage.


Excerpt from my next book: Relationship Matters.
www.kintue-fee.com

Recovering and learning from your depression.

Learning from my depressions

            Suffice to say that I had two depressions in my life so far. Once when my father passed away, and I felt guilty that I could not make it in time for his funeral. In addition my business was in financial difficulty, and I was comparing myself with my most successful friends. The second one happened more recently when I suffered a burn-out at work just before my retirement which escaladed into anxiety and depression. In both cases, I needed professional counseling from a psychologist. It took about nine months for me to recover from my first depression, and much longer about two and a half years to recover from my second one.

            So what did I learn from my two depressions. First, I learn that depression can really hit anybody, not only emotionally and mentally weak or dysfunctional people. It is not good to be too hard on myself. By writing my thoughts on paper, I could clearly see how hard I was to myself. In the future, I would definitely not compare myself with other people who seem to be much better off than me. This always lead to a lose-lose situation, which may result in depression. There should be no guilt and shame in struggling with anxiety and depression. Would you feel guilty and ashamed if you had cancer? Surely not, so why would you harbor guilt and shame just because you suffer from anxiety and depression?

            It’s alright to ask for help from your loved ones, friends and professional health specialists, like psychologists or psychiatrists. I needed understanding, support, time and space to heal when I was coping with my anxiety and depression. In our society where the "pretense of happiness" is more important than expressing negative feelings in healthy ways, we are taught to conceal those feelings. When you conceal any emotion that you judge to be negative, you can end up feeling isolated, alone, and even invisible to others. Don’t pretend to be alright when you are not. I was always authentic with my loved ones, never hiding anything from them during both of my depressions.

            When I had my first depression, the cognitive therapy, outlined in the book FEELING GOOD by David D. Burns MD was a great help to me. The cognitive therapy I used consisted mainly about writing my thoughts down. I saw that they were all extremely negative and distorted. For example, I would write that I was the worst son ever for not attending my father’s funeral. Or that I was the most incompetent executive in the federal government because I did not met my boss expectations. During my second depression, the same cognitive therapy was less effective. I had to take some anti-depressant pills. My gratitude journal was very helpful. I used it to write all my blessings, small and big ones. Writing in my gratitude journal had the effect of changing my mood for the better. I also found that physical exercises, especially yoga were most helpful to my recovery.

            Being surrounded by loved ones and close friends was essential to my recovery. Feeling understood and loved without judgment was very crucial for me to cope with my anxiety and depression. The healing process can be a very slow and frustrating process. There will inevitably be ups and downs.  The bottom line is that nobody but myself could get me out of my apathy and depression. I had to accept the fact that there was no point in blaming somebody else for my depressed state. Taking responsibility for my state of mind and knowing that I needed to make the necessary effort to slowly get better was the first step to my recovery.

            Nobody else can do the hard work for you to get better. If you really want to overcome your anxiety and depression, you need to ask for help but, more importantly, you need to help yourself! The link below is a great resource in explaining what depression is, and providing some great advice. Please seek help if you need it.

http://www.upworthy.com/what-is-depression-let-this-animation-with-a-dog-shed-light-on-it

            As I came out very slowly from the dark thick cloud of anxiety and depression, I became more fully available to my loved ones, friends and my circle of influence. Slowly but surely, I reconnected with everything and everybody close to me with deeper understanding, empathy, humility and compassion. I thank God for the hope that he left in me all along, even in my deepest sadness, doubt and yes, sometimes, despair. I always learned from my experiences and grew stronger to become my best in order to serve others better.

Excerpt from my updated book: Become your best, to be published in February 2014.

www.kintue-fee.com

The importance and power of visualization

BEGIN WITH THE END RESULT IN MIND

            Before you look forward to your end destination, you should consider your starting point. Right now, what is your current situation?. At what stage of life are you in. What are your current assets and strengths? What are your liabilities and weaknesses? Spend some time conducting an inventory of your strengths and weaknesses, assets and liabilities, and likes and dislikes. Determine what are your core values and priorities, and what are really important to you. Have a good handle on where you stand right now.

            If you had your life to live over again what would you do differently. What do you think you could do about it? What is the biggest mistake you have made so far? What would you change? These are questions you can ask yourself when you want to reexamine yourself in terms of your life situation. Be fair and honest, as fair with yourself as you would be with somebody else. What is your purpose and goals in life? This is a fundamental question that most people ask themselves at one time or another. If you think I have the answer for you, you are wrong. You have the answer. We all have the answer within each one of us. For those of you who have not yet found your purpose in life, I can guide you in your search for it by beginning with the end result in mind.

            To begin with the end result in mind means you need to have a clear and precise understanding of your destination. Find a quiet place where you can relax, be alone and uninterrupted when you are concentrating on the following exercise. You need a piece of paper to write your honest impressions, feelings and visualizations. Take your time to do this visualization exercise.

            Exercise:                      Visualize yourself at your own funeral after a long, happy and fulfilled life. Assume that you have lived your life to your full potential.

                                                Your family, friends and colleagues have come to honour you, to express feelings of love and appreciation for your life.

                                                Think deeply and write down the epitaphs and eulogies you would like each of the following speakers to say about you and your life:

                                               1.        Members of your immediate family: your spouse, children and siblings.

                                   

                                                2.         Your best friend.

                                                3.         A member of your profession you admire.

                                                4.         A member of your church and/or community you respect.

            Try to imagine what these people would say about you in your various roles. What would you be remembered for? How did you touch and influence their lives? What contributions did you make to your family, friends, profession and community? Write down what you would like to be said of you at the end of your life.

            You can repeat this exercise until you are pretty sure that you have identified your inner sources of identity such as your beliefs, values and primary characteristics. This visualization exercise will help you identify the core beliefs and values that are most important to you, for example: happiness, love, good health, honesty, peace of mind, spirituality, gratitude, simplicity, beauty, respect, integrity, joy, trust, understanding, fairness, hard work, recognition, professionalism, service to others and caring relationship. Aside from making you face your own mortality, this exercise guides you in discovering your roles and goals in life. It is necessary to reassess your different roles in life as time goes on in order to take into account your personal sense of balance and significant emotional events. Regular self-examination forms part of life's journey and plays a major role in awareness, insight and wisdom. In my opinion, this visualization exercise is one of the most insightful and impactful tools that you can use to guide you to live a meaningful, purposeful and fulfilled life.

Excerpt from my book: Become your best.

www.kintue-fee.com

Living in single splendour

LIVING IN SINGLE SPLENDOUR

            Being single is not always easy. Yet we all know of single people who are socially, emotionally and financially secure and living their lives fully. More and more young and mature adults are choosing to be single rather than to get involved in a committed relationship. From the most recent U.S. census data at the time of my research in 2010, there are nearly 90 million unmarried Americans – a whopping 41 percent of all American adults in USA.

Living alone has lots of challenges too. If you are not careful, you can easily fall into a rut which can potentially lead to solitude, loneliness and even depression. Yet living alone can also lead to a more meaningful relationship with yourself. You have the chance to spend  more time with yourself. You have   more opportunities to discover yourself  through self analysis and  reflection, thus nurturing the “Me”.

Thanks to social media, people have a tremendous choice at their finger tip. They have so many people coming into their life through daily interactions and social media that it’s difficult to build deep intimate relationship. More and more young people choose to stay single, not willing to settle for an “average” partner in life. They look at other couples around them and see that things are not that great with their relationships. That doesn’t mean that they shut off  the possibility of living in partnership with someone else.

Most young people like guys who are responsible, confident and reliable, but more importantly they must be “cool”. Going solo is the new “cool” lifestyle. Living alone is being celebrated in most western countries. In Sweden, sixty per cent of the population  live in single splendour. Individuality is actively promoted in this country. People there are a bit disillusion by the institution of marriage. Society is moving towards valuing individuality and developing policies for the individuals, rather than focussing on the virtues of the family. The world seems to be shifting from We to Me. And lots of young adults are embracing the single lifestyle as a preference.

There are many reasons, why they choose to be single. Some have made their minds early on because they have seen their parents quarrelling all the time and gone through an ugly divorce. They know of friends living in partnership separating after ugly fights. Others have gone through one or more deceptions in their intimate relationships, and have decided that they have had enough of heartbreaks. Others are still looking for partners but are not lucky enough to find the right ones. Yet others have gone through one relationship to another many times over in search for the elusive goal of fulfillment without finding it. They may have been disillusioned again and again. They are now avoiding relationships altogether in an attempt to avoid more disillusion and pain.

            It is safe to say that most men and women want to have an intimate and meaningful relationship with a partner. They are hoping to meet the right partner in life. However, most single adults would rather be alone than to be in an unhealthy relationship. They would rather be single than settle for a mediocre relationship just to escape loneliness. Most educated single adults have raised the bar. It is not about just sexual attraction or financial security. It is more about finding compatibility, soul mate and real love.

            The legendary TV series, Sex in the City, and other multi-media entertainment glorify the glamour and excitement of single lifestyle. They promote the freedom and thrill of meeting other beautiful and fashionable people usually with plenty of money to spend. In reality, life is much more routine and boring than the glamour of TV series and soap operas. More often, being single means eating pizza or drinking a can of soup alone in front of the TV. Very often, single adults have to face nosy questions about their marital status, especially when the biological clock is ticking for women. The whole emphasis in our culture seems to be that it’s almost unnatural or a sin to be single.

            Singleness can also be a choice, a state of mind, and an attitude. Many people who have gone through a few or many relationships decide to remain single and live on their own. They have either given up on their search of a life partner or they are just content to being single. They manage to live alone and like it. They still have friends and enjoy their lives to the full. Are you one of them? Bravo! If you are happily married like me, even better.

                                                               

Excerpt from my book: Become your best, 2014 Version. To be published January 2014.

www.kintue-fee.com    

Enjoy your social life

ENJOY YOUR SOCIAL LIFE

            Social life is an important aspect of living which you enjoy with your family and friends. Social events like parties, community activities and visiting friends are expressions of the joy of being together and of human fellowship. With experience you acquire some social skills which facilitate relationship, friendship and rapport. These positive social skills can also be learned and reinforced. By the same token, you can unlearn poor behaviour, thus avoiding inappropriate social skills. There are very few people who would not benefit from some improvement in their social skills and behaviour. The beauty of learning and practising these skills is that you are rewarded with smiles, respect and friendship. You can be as creative as you want with your social activities. Making friends, getting involved in community activities and projects, joining a club and playing sports are all social activities you can enjoy and choose to participate in. All these activities require human contact and interaction with other people. In any interaction you form part of the other person's current learning experience and you can learn from him or her too. The more you improve your social skills, the more effective you become in society.

            To interact socially, you have to be able to hold interesting conversations and to exchange views and opinions on numerous current topics. It helps if you keep yourself acquainted and up-to-date with national and international issues, with your favourite sports and hobbies, and with popular entertainments. You don't, have to show your in-depth knowledge at every opportunity but only to be conversant of the topic of discussion. To develop positive social skills, you have to be interested in a variety of things, be inclined to genuinely like people and be generally pleasant and agreeable. You need to have an alert interest in people and a fondness for their company. Participate in social activities, rather than being just an inactive observer. If you have any knowledge, skill or talent that can benefit your social circle, volunteer your services at your convenience. It will be greatly appreciated and you will be warmly welcomed in your social group. For instance, if you are a good soccer player, be a soccer coach for the kids in your community. By helping others, there are more chances that one day you will be helped by others in your time of need.

            Society is open to everyone and you are welcome to join the club. How effective a member of the club you are depends on your attitude and your willingness to participate and to contribute. The more you enjoy interacting with others in a social setting, the more others will seek your company. If you are a relaxed, fun, responsible and positive person, you will attract a lot of friends almost effortlessly. Here are some suggestions to help you get the most out of your social life:

          Have a genuine liking for people.

          Associate with positive and confident friends.

          Develop a network of professional colleagues, associates and acquaintances.

          Entertain only the people you want to.

          Have interesting and challenging hobbies.

          Get informed on national and international news and current affairs.

          Provide service to the community.

          Do volunteer work and give assistance to the needy.

          Be politically aware and active.

          Be generally pleasant, agreeable and non-critical.

          Develop some cultural interests in the world of arts, theatre, films, books etc.

            The cultivation of genuine friendship is an art that most people pay little attention to. It does not happen by accident. You start by looking for people with common interests who share the same basic values. Friendship has a chance to develop when you interact with these people. Instinctively, you appreciate and enjoy the company of some people more than others. You tend to admire some of their qualities. The main ingredients of these relationships are mutual feelings of rapport, respect, understanding and trust. By nurturing the friendship, you start to have a sense of each other's beliefs, needs and aspirations. As your rapport and bond develops, you are able to fill some of each other's needs. Although friends can ask each other favours from time to time, you should be very careful not to take advantage of your friendship by being a burden to your friends. Rather than imposing on them, enjoy your precious time together with your friends, letting the social interaction rejuvenate you. Lifelong friendship exists when you encourage and support each other's fulfillment in any way you can and when you feel free to express your feelings openly to each other. In your times of need, your friends will be there supporting you and in your times of joy they will be there rejoicing with you. They don't envy your success, they are happy for your achievements. All they wish for you is that you continue to be yourself, to grow and develop. They enrich the quality of your social life by participating in stimulating activities with you and vice versa. It is not how many people you know that counts, it is how many people you can genuinely call lifetime friends that is really important.

Excerpt from my book: Become your best.

www.kintue-fee.com

Nurture your personal growth

NURTURE YOUR PERSONAL GROWTH

            The journey through life is a creative process during which we grow, change, learn, contribute and love. From birth to death, we are learning about ourselves, discovering our identity, and contributing to society. Through these life experiences and personal growth, we strive to become our personal best. The road to genuine personal growth is in the nurturing of our inner self and our personal growth. We develop a sense of personal value and worth, and the enjoyment of loving and being loved. We become strong, self-reliant and able to take charge of our life. We live our lives purposefully and with integrity in accordance with our belief and value systems. We cultivate and enhance our compassion, affection, forgiveness and empathy for ourselves and others. The most precious gifts we can give to ourselves and others are the gifts of caring and love. The journey towards personal growth helps us to be master of our own life whilst remaining flexible and open to new opportunities.

            As you embark on your quest to personal self-actualization, you will become more positive, serene, self-confident and assertive. You will naturally start to take care of yourself, nurturing your body, mind and spirit. You will find that money, friends and good relationships will be attracted to you without you really trying very hard. You will not be satisfied by merely surviving, getting by and making a living. You will be shaping and designing your destiny. When you feel at peace and in harmony with yourself, you will automatically start to have better relationships with other people. As you progressively feel good about yourself, knowing your life is worth living and is meaningful, you will feel better about others. You will engage in meaningful relationships and activities that enhance the quality of your life and those of others. As you progress along your journey, you start to know what really matters to you. You have a clear vision of how you want to lead your life. You can refine your sense of purpose and you have a feeling of being in control of your life.

            Genuine love casts out all fears and gives the courage to live abundantly. Reflection on the expression of love in your life is a key step in your personal growth. This is time well spent. Always strive to give of yourself and you become your best along the way. Once you have sought and achieved some degree of self-enhancement in your life, it will inspire and motivate you to continue on your path. You become proactive and you make things happen. You respond positively to all situations based on basic principles such as fairness, integrity, trust and honesty. You understand that you are responsible for your attitudes, feelings, thoughts and actions. You become more balanced, organized and focused. You realize that the respectful way you treat people is how you want them to treat you. Your loving thoughts and creative actions will lead you to your self-fulfillment.

         Undertaking a personal growth journey is a long and challenging path. It requires time, patience, compassion and commitment. It puts a new and positive perspective in your present and future endeavour. Sure you will encounter opposition, disapproval, growing pains and obstacles along the way. Significant advances in your development as an individual come when you encounter pressure, fear and pain, and you face and surmount them. You understand that the obstacle has been put in your path for the purpose of your growth. In your quest of doing anything at all better than before and of improving yourself, don't forget to be your best friend. In order to achieve some kind of fulfillment, you need to repeatedly remind yourself that you can control your thoughts, feelings and actions. Have the discipline to be in charge of yourself.

            As your self-discovery journey progresses, you will attract positive people who wish you well, rather than put you down. You will gain more self-respect, self-esteem and self-confidence. You will start to visualize bigger goals and greater projects than you have ever attempted before. You will also realize that it's not just achieving goals that matters, but more importantly, it's the quality of life you experience along the way that is crucial to your growth and fulfillment. By applying some of the principles described in my book you will become more creative and proactive in your choices and decisions. Your purpose in life will inevitably become clearer to you. You will want to be of service to others and will receive the joy of giving. You will help people for the right reason and with the proper actions. By putting a little effort in the right direction at the right time, you will slowly but surely be able to alter your life and the lives of others for the better. You will begin to live a more abundant life filled with more and more gratitude, contentment, inner peace and happiness.

            You owe it to yourself to explore your potential to become your best. The choice is yours to make. In case you decide to take the path of self-management and self-development, don't miss the joy of being. Celebrate the joy of life, as a result you will be rewarded by becoming the best possible you.

Excerpt from my book: Become Your Best.