Sunday, March 30, 2014

Marriage Solution

Marriage Solution
There is no simple “formula” to a perfect marriage. Over the years, there are some trends and principles that can help us better understand what sets a loving and sustainable marriage apart from one that ends in separation or divorce. Positive and life-affirming relationships bring great pleasure, but unhealthy relationships can bring deep pain and sorrow. In order to make your marriage last and thrive, you need to ensure that mutual respect, honesty, trust and love are always present in your partnership.  You need to show respect no matter what. Even in the heat of an argument, there should still be respect for partner. Don’t insult or degrade him or her. You have made a vow to support and love her in good and bad times. So practice your lifetime vows every day. Express grace and forgiveness after a heated argument and dispute.  Reaffirm your love, and praise your mate’s strengths. Use words of affirmation to describe your mate to others. The more you and your partner focus on positive and successful common goals and grounds that you have achieved in your partnership so far, the more likely you’ll be happy in your relationship.
It’s very important to understand the needs and wants of your partner. Most people have the same basic needs to be valued, respected and loved. For most women, they need to be listened to, cared for, and made to feel attractive and wanted. For most men, they need to feel that they are the leader of the household, and the provider and protector of the family. Obviously, they need the full support of their mate to assume this role. In order to understand and know the specific needs and wants of your partner in life, you have to ask him or her. There is no other way. Therefore, open and honest communication is essential. Poor communication leads to unhappy couples more than almost anything else.
Bring your partner little gifts from time to time for no reason except that you love and are thinking of him or her. Respond romantically to your partner’s advances as much as possible. Regardless of age, sex is very important in a successful marriage.  It may take different forms, and happens at different frequency. Talking openly about sex and finding a middle ground with regard to frequency is important for overall sexual and relationship satisfaction. Couples need to learn how to communicate about their sexual needs or their reasons for not wanting sex. The occasional headaches are normal, if they are real. Touch your partner often, whether it’s a kiss, holding hands or a hug. Another thing that works wonders for your sexual relationship is to do acts of service for your mate. Contribute happily to the household chores. Very simple thing like vacuuming the carpets is great, if you don’t usually do it. Preparing a nice breakfast for your partner and bringing it to bed on a Sunday morning is another good thing to do. Give your mate a relaxing and soothing massage when your partner is really physically tired. Your reward could blow your mind!
Discuss your financial issues in an open and honest fashion. Ensure that you both spend money and the family budget responsibly. Most importantly, inject and embrace fun and friendship in your couple’s relationship. Have fun and enjoyment together by going out for a dinner, a movie, on a weekend trip, on a week vacation, or a ten day cruise. Have quality time together whenever you can, not only on special occasions. In addition, maintain strong friendships outside your relationship. Various surveys show that happy couples have numerous friends and hobbies outside the relationship. They love to try new things on a regular basis, and have fun with their friends. The correlation between fun and marital happiness is high and very significant.
            On the other hand, there are things to be avoided like a plague if you want your marriage to succeed and thrive.  You should stop trying to change your partner to your liking. It’s mission impossible, and your marriage may well end in divorce. Stop nagging your mate constantly. Instead, talk openly and respectfully about your issues and disagreements. Don’t expect your partner to be able to read your mind. You need to speak up, but that does not mean harping on pointless issues or revisiting old resolved problems. You can debate and share your views, but never disrespect or insult your mate, especially in front of your children, loved ones or friends. Don’t focus only on your own interests and avoid doing things that your mate loves to do.  Stop drowning in suspicion and jealousy, you need to trust your partner in life otherwise the relationship is going nowhere. Stop clinging on to unrealistic expectations, obsessing about the past, or worrying about future problems. Never tolerate your partner’s compulsions and addictions.
            Of course, putting all the above into practice does not guarantee a successful and loving marriage. However you’ll have a much better chance of success for a lasting marriage solution. Take time to evaluate your relationship progress as a couple. Through dialogue and open communication, prevent, identify and resolve issues before they grow into huge problems. Work as a partnership to resolve the issues and problems.  Focus on the problems, not on your partner. Try to put emotions to the side. However, if the discussions get heated and tempers rise, be carefully not to take the insults personally. Have the grace to forget your loved mate for words said in the heat of the moment. On the other hand, if you insulted your mate, be strong enough to apologize and ask for forgiveness.
            Egos are hurt in heated discussions and disagreements. There will be inevitable frustrations and hurts. In some cases, it’s reasonable to give up on the discussions until you are both calmer and less exhausted. Understand the love languages and gifts that your mate enjoys the most. In these occasions, it would be good to make use them in the most effective way you can. The bottom line is there still need to be the existence of mutual respect, honesty, trust and love between you two.  In brief, this is the “science” behind a solid and fulfilled marriage.

Excerpt from my next book: Relationship Matters.